I went alone to the meeting last night. My DH was working and I didn't feel like dragging anyone else along. My usual routine is to go in, sign in, get a parking pass and then take a seat somewhere that I can observe not only the meeting leaders but the attendees. Then while I wait for them to start, I scan the crowd guessing if they had surgery yet or not. Some people are so thin - you'd NEVER guess they had surgery. Others you can tell by the hanging skin or the awkward shape of their lower body compared to the upper body.
I was sitting there thinking, "These meetings would be so much better if they had folks speak who had surgery", when low and behold - they announced a WLS'er wanted to talk about her journey! Score. The woman who spoke was my age (30) and had surgery about 2 1/2 years ago. She looked beautiful and was very confident in her words. I was impressed by her conviction and felt more at peace with my own desire to have surgery.
I'm really glad I went to the meeting. My friend at work had her LAP Band surgery this morning. She did very well. I'm going to give her a call tomorrow to see how she is doing!
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
Tiny Daggers - A post inspired by a fellow WLSer
She calls them Tiny Daggers. Those moments in time where you were acutely aware of your obesity and felt a little knife twisting in your heart. Moments that we won't ever forget because we were so ashamed or embarrassed.
Tiny Dagger No. 1: DH and I were at an Irish bar in NE Philly over 5 years ago before we were married. We had a great night! Lots of dancing and drinking. As we were leaving and walking toward our car, a car fully of young guys sped past me and one of them yelled "Fatty" out the window and took off. DH was furious and rushed to the car in an effort to chase them down. Through my tears, I told him not to bother. It was an awful moment in my life.
Tiny Dagger No. 2: From the mouths of babes...I have been told on several occasions by several different little ones over the past few years "You're really big" or "You're fat" or "You're a lot bigger than my mommy". Now of course children don't say things to hurt you on purpose but that's why it hurts even more - because they are honest and don't know that even if something is true that you do not say it out loud.
Tiny Dagger No. 3: In January I turned 30. To celebrate, my DH and I decided to fly to Las Vegas for a few days. For the first time, I sat in my seat on the airplane (aisle of course for more room) and I had to suck it in so hard that I almost didn't get my seatbelt closed. I was absolutely mortified and was panicked that I'd have to ask for an extender. It finally clicked but just barely. I didn't even tell my husband at first because I was so devastated.
Tiny Dagger No. 4: It began during my pregnancy, but never went away....my big round belly. I am now that person that asks for a table because I'm afraid I won't be able to fit in the booth. The first time it happened, I was at a Ruby Tuesdays and had to ask the waitress to be re-seated. It was absolutely mortifying.
I could go on and on with these but really what's the point? Because they are ONLY memories and I have a lifetime of good ones to make up for the bad ones. This surgery will bring me closer to the real me who is stuck inside this extra large frame!
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Tiny Dagger No. 1: DH and I were at an Irish bar in NE Philly over 5 years ago before we were married. We had a great night! Lots of dancing and drinking. As we were leaving and walking toward our car, a car fully of young guys sped past me and one of them yelled "Fatty" out the window and took off. DH was furious and rushed to the car in an effort to chase them down. Through my tears, I told him not to bother. It was an awful moment in my life.
Tiny Dagger No. 2: From the mouths of babes...I have been told on several occasions by several different little ones over the past few years "You're really big" or "You're fat" or "You're a lot bigger than my mommy". Now of course children don't say things to hurt you on purpose but that's why it hurts even more - because they are honest and don't know that even if something is true that you do not say it out loud.
Tiny Dagger No. 3: In January I turned 30. To celebrate, my DH and I decided to fly to Las Vegas for a few days. For the first time, I sat in my seat on the airplane (aisle of course for more room) and I had to suck it in so hard that I almost didn't get my seatbelt closed. I was absolutely mortified and was panicked that I'd have to ask for an extender. It finally clicked but just barely. I didn't even tell my husband at first because I was so devastated.
Tiny Dagger No. 4: It began during my pregnancy, but never went away....my big round belly. I am now that person that asks for a table because I'm afraid I won't be able to fit in the booth. The first time it happened, I was at a Ruby Tuesdays and had to ask the waitress to be re-seated. It was absolutely mortifying.
I could go on and on with these but really what's the point? Because they are ONLY memories and I have a lifetime of good ones to make up for the bad ones. This surgery will bring me closer to the real me who is stuck inside this extra large frame!
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Bringing her home...
I was on bed rest with preeclamsia for less than a week when I began getting terrible headaches. They decided to induce me in the early morning hours of March 14, 2010 and at 12:33a on March 15th, I pushed my little darling out into the arms of the doctor. There was a swarm of nurses waiting to snatch her up and check her vitals. I peered over at her little cradle as they did their tests trying to get a glimpse of her. A nurse brought her to me for 5 minutes, where DH and I smothered her face with kisses and then she was whisked off to the NICU.
Because I was preeclamptic, I was on magnesium for a full 24 hours after the birth and was unable to get out of bed. I didn't get to see DD until the morning of March 16th. It was the LONGEST day and night of my life. I sent DH to see her and take pictures for me. Then I was discharged and DD had to stay. I cried the entire ride home and broke down into sobs sitting at my kitchen table and feeling totally overwhelmed.
For 17 days, which felt like a lifetime, I visited DD in the NICU two or three times a day for several hours at a time. Even to this day, the smell of Purell Hand Sanitizer takes me right back to that time. When we were finally told we could bring her home, it was such a relief! We nervously strapped her into her car seat and watched the nurse snap her into the car. As we drove home, Shawn watched us in the rear view mirror. We just couldn't believe she was finally coming home.
When we got home, we left her in the carseat and placed it on the floor. Our dog, Beene and our cat, Rocky came running in to see what the excitement was about. Rocky sniffed her cautiously and ran away to hide. Beene sniffed her and licked her face. We knew our family was finally complete!
Then suddenly I panicked because we didn't take any of the plastic nipples from the NICU and we had NO bottles!! At this point I thought we were doomed as parents because we couldn't even think of buying something simple like bottles. Remember, she had come early! So I hadn't had any baby showers and my MIL had warned me on purchasing anything prior to birth as bad luck.
So while she slept in her bassinet, all swaddled in a blanket, DH screeched out of the driveway to the closest store to buy bottles. When he returned, he was sweaty and red-faced and dropped a huge bag on the table. He had purchased four different brands of bottles because he didn't know which ones to get! We laughed at our parenting skills and then DH took pictures as I changed her first diaper and fed her a bottle for the first time at home. We really weren't very confident at first and it took a lot of trial and error before we got into our groove!
I remember feeling like I was in a dream and that any minute I would wake up in the NICU recliner next to her cradle. And although most of my memory of that time has now vanished due to lack of sleep and mommy brain - I will always remember how I felt that day. So proud to be a mom and so happy to have her safe in our home!
Because I was preeclamptic, I was on magnesium for a full 24 hours after the birth and was unable to get out of bed. I didn't get to see DD until the morning of March 16th. It was the LONGEST day and night of my life. I sent DH to see her and take pictures for me. Then I was discharged and DD had to stay. I cried the entire ride home and broke down into sobs sitting at my kitchen table and feeling totally overwhelmed.
For 17 days, which felt like a lifetime, I visited DD in the NICU two or three times a day for several hours at a time. Even to this day, the smell of Purell Hand Sanitizer takes me right back to that time. When we were finally told we could bring her home, it was such a relief! We nervously strapped her into her car seat and watched the nurse snap her into the car. As we drove home, Shawn watched us in the rear view mirror. We just couldn't believe she was finally coming home.
When we got home, we left her in the carseat and placed it on the floor. Our dog, Beene and our cat, Rocky came running in to see what the excitement was about. Rocky sniffed her cautiously and ran away to hide. Beene sniffed her and licked her face. We knew our family was finally complete!
Then suddenly I panicked because we didn't take any of the plastic nipples from the NICU and we had NO bottles!! At this point I thought we were doomed as parents because we couldn't even think of buying something simple like bottles. Remember, she had come early! So I hadn't had any baby showers and my MIL had warned me on purchasing anything prior to birth as bad luck.
So while she slept in her bassinet, all swaddled in a blanket, DH screeched out of the driveway to the closest store to buy bottles. When he returned, he was sweaty and red-faced and dropped a huge bag on the table. He had purchased four different brands of bottles because he didn't know which ones to get! We laughed at our parenting skills and then DH took pictures as I changed her first diaper and fed her a bottle for the first time at home. We really weren't very confident at first and it took a lot of trial and error before we got into our groove!
I remember feeling like I was in a dream and that any minute I would wake up in the NICU recliner next to her cradle. And although most of my memory of that time has now vanished due to lack of sleep and mommy brain - I will always remember how I felt that day. So proud to be a mom and so happy to have her safe in our home!
Friday, June 3, 2011
Das Boot
Remember that possible foot fracture?! Well here is how my podiatrist would like me to spend the next 3 weeks:
I'm just trying to view it as something to help make me stronger by sticking with it. Practicing for surgery.
Yes, that is my lovely leg in a large Storm Trooper-looking boot. For a tiny foot fracture on my third metatarsal. Why must I be tortured like this?! Lol.
My daughter has tried to "ride" the boot several times and my dog is frightened of it. He won't walk past me if I'm in his way. My husband giggles with glee every time he sees me in it. At least it's bringing others amusement!
I'm just trying to view it as something to help make me stronger by sticking with it. Practicing for surgery.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Flawed genes cause tight jeans.
I always had a nickname for this gene I picked up. The B#######n Rounds. Because we get rounder and rounder as we grow older.
My grandfather was an amazing, loving and gentle soul but he was a big guy. We always lovingly teased him about the food that got stuck in the sides of his mouth or his affair with ice cream. He always laughed heartily with shining eyes - he didn't care. He was confident in who he was. He didn't acknowledge that he might have diabetes, to him it was a snake bite that caused his legs to be swollen and purple.
My mom also picked up this round gene. She is also an amazing, loving and gentle soul. (I can only hope I pick that up too.) But my mom is more aware of her health as she has had to deal with a few real health issues including high blood pressure and a double knee replacement surgery at the young age of 50. No snake did that! She sees me following her path and my grandfather's path and she is worried for me.
I'm worried for me too. Yes, it's partially genes but I have to learn to control what I put in my mouth so that I do not tempt those evil round genes any further. I am utilizing this surgery as a tool to create a new lifestyle for myself. My grandfather would not want me to suffer this way and I know my mom is suffering as she watches me die from obesity. Because I am dying. In fact, I'm killing myself - slowly but it will come if I don't stop.
And then there's DD. 1/2 my genes are in there somewhere. She's got my chin....she's got my hair - does she have the round genes too? Maybe, but she'll never find out if I have anything to do with it. Hopefully, she won't even remember having a fat mommy. I'm killing these genes in this generation darn it!
My grandfather was an amazing, loving and gentle soul but he was a big guy. We always lovingly teased him about the food that got stuck in the sides of his mouth or his affair with ice cream. He always laughed heartily with shining eyes - he didn't care. He was confident in who he was. He didn't acknowledge that he might have diabetes, to him it was a snake bite that caused his legs to be swollen and purple.
My mom also picked up this round gene. She is also an amazing, loving and gentle soul. (I can only hope I pick that up too.) But my mom is more aware of her health as she has had to deal with a few real health issues including high blood pressure and a double knee replacement surgery at the young age of 50. No snake did that! She sees me following her path and my grandfather's path and she is worried for me.
I'm worried for me too. Yes, it's partially genes but I have to learn to control what I put in my mouth so that I do not tempt those evil round genes any further. I am utilizing this surgery as a tool to create a new lifestyle for myself. My grandfather would not want me to suffer this way and I know my mom is suffering as she watches me die from obesity. Because I am dying. In fact, I'm killing myself - slowly but it will come if I don't stop.
And then there's DD. 1/2 my genes are in there somewhere. She's got my chin....she's got my hair - does she have the round genes too? Maybe, but she'll never find out if I have anything to do with it. Hopefully, she won't even remember having a fat mommy. I'm killing these genes in this generation darn it!
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