Nothing in Particular

Just checking in to say nothing is happening. LOL.  My therapist told me I was doing a great job in therapy - which made me laugh because I didn't know someone could do a bad job.  But nonetheless I was glad to hear it.

I scheduled my blood work and dreaded stool sample (sorry but I'm all about being real) on Monday at lunch time.  Which leaves me with the arterial blood gas and ekg to schedule.  Still not sure about when to do those. 

April 19th seems to be so far away.  There's another support group meeting coming up too.

Skinny Daydreams

I often daydream about what it would be like to be thin.  Sometimes I picture myself walking into Victoria's Secret or Forever 21 and actually picking out clothes or underwear!  How cool would that be?  Most people take for granted the luxury of shopping for regular-sized clothes.  Shopping for me is a totally different experience.  I get to shop at Lane Bryant or Avenue.  Sometimes Macys or Sears have plus-sized clothes that are decent but they mainly cater to the older crowd and don't have very stylish items.

Whenever I go to Lane Bryant at the mall, I feel like people are staring at me as I walk in - like "There goes the fatty looking for clothes".  Of course, I'm sure that's mostly in my head but it's still is embarrassing.  Even worse is trying on something that looks cute on the plus-sized mannequin or in the flyer but looks nothing like that on you.  Although it might if I used clothes pins to hold in on me like they use on the mannequins.  I've noticed that plus-sized models don't have a fat belly, they all have flat stomachs...which I find odd since most big women have bellies.  So yes, those jeans look cute on the model but on me they look like mom jeans if I don't cover up my pooch.

In my thin daydream, I can get up and walk around without any pain, I go to nightclubs and dance the night away in a slinky black dress, I put on sexy lingerie for my husband and it doesn't look like a muumuu.  Ahhh....it would be wonderful.

But for now, I'm trapped in this shell of a person who isn't really me.  She's an imposter who's taken over the fun-loving, energetic Danielle who likes to dance, smile and sing.  My one hope is that the surgery will bring her back.  And maybe....just maybe I'll buy underwear from Victoria and find her secret.

Inspired by Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop

Feeling the joy

Went to the WLS support group meeting at the hospital tonight.  My mom came along for moral support.  Sat in with a bunch of VSG'ers and you could just feel how happy they were.  It made me want to feel that way.  They talked about waking up without knee pain and having more energy.  I'm just itching to have that too.  My mom is still skeptical.  I know she's trying hard to not be negative but she just doesn't think I'll be able to change my eating habits after the surgery. 

Changing habits must be possible though or the surgery wouldn't work and the folks talking to us tonight would still be huge.  They ate like I do.  But they weren't.  So it's possible that I can change.  It's hard to stay focused when people around you are trying to pull you off course or divert you.  It's very hard.

Support Group tomorrow

Going to my first WLS support group meeting at the hospital tomorrow.  My mom is coming with me because she's interested in the surgery too but I think also just to get an idea of what I'm going to be going through.

I went and got my chest x-ray done. Check!  Feels good to get something off of my to-do list!  Abdominal ultrasound on Wednesday.  I'm thinking I'll do something on Saturday too.

I'm still facing a lot of negativity with regards to surgery.  It's very hard for me to deal with that stuff right now.  I am just going to keep it to myself as long as I can.  I know people are only concerned with my health and with all the potential complications but I really feel like this is the best choice for me.

Second thoughts?

I'm having trouble deciding if I'm having second thoughts because I'm scared or because they are legitimate things I should be concerned about.  My biggest concern is my eating habits.  If I have weight loss surgery, I have to maintain the diet and exercise program for life or I can still gain weight back.  I have never been able to stick to a diet.  Can I eat only healthy, nutritious options and get rid of carbs that I love?  And why do I love food so much - I'm in therapy for that one.

I can eat an entire small pizza in a sitting and I will only be able to eat 1 cup worth of food per sitting after the surgery.  That is like a mind game - my stomach will say I'm full but my head will be like - you only ate a tiny piece of chicken, you can't be full!

I don't know who to talk to about this.  Maybe I should just call the nurse at the hospital and see what they say.  Maybe I should give regular dieting and exercise another shot before I give up? Sigh.  It sucks being confused like this.

Dealing with everyone else's opinions

Weight loss surgery or WLS as the community calls it, seems like a very sticky subject with people.  Most people I come across are anti-surgery for weight loss.  They see it as a "easy out" solution to a  weight problem. Granted, the majority (not all) of those negative nellies are thin and have never dealt with an ongoing weight problem.  And they have not done enough research to know that the surgery and post-op life changes are by no means easy.

Here's the problem for me.  I need a support system for this surgery to work.  Regardless of my friends and family members' opinons on the subject, I'm counting on them to keep their mouths zipped and help me get through this.  My in-laws have already voiced their concerns over the topic and although I know they mean well, neither of them has ever had a weight problem.  I was afraid to tell my mother about my decision to investigate WLS but she has been good so far.  I know she is not thrilled because she is my mother and I KNOW when she is excited about something.  But she knows the struggle because she is going through it and I think she just really wants me to be healthy, no matter how I get there.

A few of my friends have asked a lot of questions and told me they generally don't agree with the surgery but if it's what I need to do....BUT I need a cheering section.  Right now, that cheering section consists of my husband.  He came to the information session with me as a skeptic but left confident that I could do this and it was a good choice.  And I am so grateful for his support.

So now I need to work on telling other people what I need from them.  Because how will they know if I don't tell them?

Intake Appointment Summary

I was greeted with plenty of smiles at the Institute for Metabolic and Bariatric Surgery when I arrived Monday morning which helped me relax.  The intake nurse was a really sweet woman about my age with a new baby at home as well.  We chatted about my medical history.  She recorded my weight, 300.4lbs, (GASP - not really I knew that) and my height and then we talked about what surgery I was considering, which is VSG (Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy). 

I am bummed because she said my insurance does cover the surgery but only if your BMI is 50 or above.  Her calculation of my BMI is 45 (I think it's 47), but either way - it's so close that rejection would be painful.  We will submit for that surgery anyway and if they deny the claim we can appeal the decision.  I'm hoping that with my medical history, the surgery will be approved.

I made my appointment to visit with the surgeon, the nutritionist and the psychiatrist for next month.  They said I could come in sooner with a different surgeon (I chose Dr. Bonnani) but I figured that 1 month isn't that long to wait and it will give me more time to research and make a decision.

Now for the crazy part.  I have to get a chest xray, an abdominal MRI, EKG, all kinds of blood work as well as another fun sample I won't share with you but you get the idea.  So, a month gives me time to get all that together!  Thank god child birth took away all of my shame and I can now go through anything without shock or embarrassment. lol.

The journey begins tomorrow.

My appointment with the bariatric intake folks is first thing tomorrow morning.  I'm super nervous and a little bit excited.  I don't want to get my hopes up too much because getting approved for surgery is a long process.  Which it should be since it's major surgery and it's elective.  I've been wasting hours on this website with before an after photos of gastric bypass patients' before and after photos.  Thought I'd share:

http://www.obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/members/before+and+after.php?Dir=Next&Time=1267391963&Count=271

Anyway, keep your fingers and toes crossed for me.

A different approach to weight loss

After many hours of therapy, we have come to the conclusion that whatever I am doing right now is not working for me.  I can't get motivated.  I can't get moving.  It's terrible and makes me feel even worse about myself.  My fat clothes are getting tight!  I am on a dangerous path.

I'm scared.  I saw an article that obese people live an average of 22 YEARS less than their normal weight counterparts. 22 years?!  That's alot of time to miss.  That's my grandchildren growing up.  I can't miss that!  Have you seen the 600lb mom?  I don't want to set that kind of example for my daughter or my future children.

I currently weight 300lbs, give or take a few depending on the day.   My BMI is a whopping 47 which puts me in the morbidly obese category.  Morbidly obese is a scary term.  It makes me think of hideous disgusting people who can't move out of bed - but that's not me.  Not yet anyway.

My point is that I mentioned bariatric surgery to my therapist and she seemed to think it would be a great option for me given my age and such.  So on Tuesday, my husband and I went to an information session at our local hospital.  It was very helpful but surgery is scary.  Especially when it is elective and this isn't like having a tooth removed! 

I have an intake appointment on Monday to get evaluated and then to determine if this would be right for me.  They perform four different types of surgery: restrictive (lap band); gastric sleeve, Rouxen Y and the other is too hard to pronounce or spell.  I'm thinking about opting for the gastric sleeve which is when they remove the large portion of your stomach and create a banana shaped stomach. 

Obviously, surgery does not automatically make you skinny.  There is a whole after-care program that I would have to follow to lose weight and stay healthy.  I still have to exercise and eat properly but the surgery is helpful for people who have more than 100lbs to lose. 

Right now I am dealing with a lot of negative nellies and anti-bariatric surgery talk.  My friends and family don't seem to understand how important it is for me to be healthy again.  They seem to think that I just need to "eat righ and move more".  Just do it they say - why do you need surgery?  I need a push, a shove, a jump start.  My joints ache constantly and I'm only 30 years old.   Exercising is painful.  Just everyday movement can be painful and exhausting.  If that was all it took then I'd be skinny by now.

This surgery is something I think that may help me get to a place where I can feel good again and feel comfortable exercising.  Wish me luck on my appt. on Monday.  And hopefully if I am approved, the insurance company will cover it.