Farewell 2011!

As I prepare to bid 2011 farewell, I have been reflecting on what an amazing year it has been.  Of course there were ups and downs but I really think that I have grown as a person this year.

The number one lesson I learned from 2011 is that "life is what happens when you are busy making other plans" or that "everything happens for a reason".  If you would have told me this time last year that I would now be expecting our 2nd baby girl, I would have laughed in your face!  Our plan was to wait 3 years, so that I could spend time working on my health.  I spent the first 8 months of 2011 planning to have gastric bypass surgery and as it happens, in a matter of seconds that plan was obsolete.  I did spend some time grieving my surgery, I will not lie because I had worked so very hard to get there and it felt like months of work and planning had been wasted.  But what really got me through is that this little baby really wants to be in our lives and even an IUD would not stop her!  So if life has other plans for me - so be it!

Another lesson I have learned in 2011 is that I was meant to be a mother.  There is nothing I love more than seeing my daughter smile or hearing that charming giggle.  It takes all of my power not to crack a smile or laugh when I see her being naughty.  Is the job exhausting?  Absolutely.  But it's worth every back-breaking, sleepy-eyed minute!  I'm nervous about having two kids to chase around but this new little girl is welcome in our hearts by all means! 

In a related lesson, I have learned in 2011 that I'm much stronger than I have ever given myself credit for.  I think that many people in my situations would have fallen apart but I have forged through.  And I have kept my doctors happy with my blood pressure and my weight.  I wasn't sure if I could do it - but I am.  This gives me courage to move forward and to even hope for an uncomplicated labor and delivery. (KNOCK ON WOOD).

Every year brings with it new adventures and new heartaches - there were definitely a few this year.  But the beauty of ringing in the new year is to leave your painful past behind and welcome the future!  I am a very lucky woman to have such wonderful people to share my life with and I wouldn't change a minute of 2011.  So thank you most of all to Shawn and Samantha for being my partners in crime and to the rest of my amazing family and friends who have made this year so bright!

Distractions!

Since last time I wrote a little about re-using DD's nursery - I thought I'd share some photos of it:

I apologize for the slight disarray - but this is pretty clean to how my toddler keeps it now!  We worked so hard on it and I just love it!  Anyway, I figure if it's a boy we can just change out any pink things and if it's another girl - it's perfect just the way it is.

For our girly toddler room I am creating for DD, I imagine something like this:

However, I have a feeling it won't be quite that elaborate! Lol.  That giant rooster thing is kind of cool but clashes with our theme, which will be FAIRIES.  squeeee!  I'm so excited to get started on it after the holidays....hear that honey??  Better get cracking on moving that office crap out!

Oh and we'll be having our anatomy scan on Tuesday!  Hopefully this little McGyver cooperates!

Tick-Tock-Tick-Tock

Our anatomy scan is scheduled for December 20th. It seems so far away. I'm trying to be patient because otherwise I'll lose my marbles. Hence my obsessions with holiday shopping and planning DD's bedroom (currently the office).  We decided to reuse our beautiful nursery that we worked so hard to put together for the new LO.  I'm excited to finally do something girly for DD!  DH rolled his eyes when I showed him all the beautiful hues of pink and purple we could choose from.  hee hee. 

All in all I just truly love this time of year and picking out gifts for those special people in your life. It really fills me with joy!  I'm am one of those people listending to holiday music and singing/smiling in my car.  And the holiday lights just make my heart so full.

I'm also helping to plan a bridal shower for my sister-in-law (but no deets in case she reads this); a 2nd birthday party for DD; a 30th bday extravaganza for one of my BFFs and a baby shower for another BFF.  Gaaaah!  I'm not busy or anything.  I love planning stuff like this though - I'm in heaven...really!

I'm going to start thinking about this new year and make some resolutions.  I'll share them with you when I can!

Thanksgiving Eve Ultrasound

I'm 16w2d today and had another ultrasound this afternoon.  I was really excited for it because I was secretly hoping they could determine the sex of the baby by now.  Much to my dismay, our u/s tech was extremely cold and unfriendly.  She did not crack a smile at any of my jokes!  That B*TCH.  Anyway, she informed us it was way too early to know if it's pink or blue. :(  Also, she printed out the lamest of all the images she captured.  We got two pictures labeled "FACE" and it was just a black head shape with no features or anything.  I was sooooo disappointed.  While she was working, I saw the full baby, he/she sucking their thumb, etc. on her screen and we got the "FACE"?!  I threw the pictures away I was so mad.  Although I'm regretting that decision now because I'm pretty sure my ss# is on that thing.  Oh well.

Then she told me I had to wait 4 weeks to come back even though the tech last month told me that I could come back in 6 weeks (which would mean 2 weeks from today's). Grrrrr.  I guess the cold-hearted tech should have stayed home today if she wasn't interested in doing my ultrasound the day before Turkey day. 

Okay.  I totally feel better now that I shared my disappointing experience with you.  I am a firm believer that medical providers should have a certain bedside manner dealing with the public.  Fake the smile damnit - I don't care if you hate your job!  I want you to be just as excited about my baby as I am!

Sorry it's been so long!

Everything is going swimmingly so far.  BPs have been excellent and weight is stable.  Doc told me last week I can start coming every 4 weeks instead of 2 which is good and bad.  Good because I don't have to arrange as much make-up time at work but bad because it was keeping my weight in check.  If I gain anything in these 4 weeks I'm going to ask them to put me back on every 2.  It's REALLY important that I don't gain any weight.

I'm trying to balance the exhaustion with my to-do list.  It's been pretty complicated and I'm facing the reality that naptimes on the weekends may no longer be possible or at least not 2-3hr ones.  Which is really sad but there is just so much to do!

P.S. Happy Halloween!

My letter to Santa (per my horoscope)

Dear Santa,

First, I want to say that my life is pretty sweet the way it is. My husband is hard-working and dedicated to us. My daughter is beautiful and amazing and this new LO will be someone to reckon with I'm sure!  Our family and friends are so wonderful and true. I really couldn't ask for much with regards to things because that doesn't really matter to me.  But if I had to give you a list of things to add to my already awesome life, I would want:

1.  Clean, organized and redecorated home.  Okay - it's not that fun or exciting but defnitely something that requires lots of time, which is something I don't have much of as a working mother.  I'm talking Martha Stewart/Candace Olsen all the way!

2.  Crafting Space and Time.  I love crafting.  It's fun and relaxing for me. 

3.  Time to Read.  I used to read a book every day.  Then it was once a week.  Now, I'm lucky if I make it through an entire book at all.  

4.  Volunteer.  Contributing to others made me feel so good.  I love making other people smile.

5.  Sing.   I would sing with a local choir.

6.  Dance.  Okay so if I sing - why not dance?

7.  Travel.  My family has places to go and people to see! 

8.  A job I love.   Yes, I have a great job but I want to be valued for my knowledge and passion for something! 

So that's it.  Not too much to ask right?  Mostly it involves more time.  Since you are an expert on time - I'm sure this will not be a problem at all for you.

Thanks for bring so much joy to the world!

Love,
Danielle

P.S.  I'll leave an extra chocolate chip cookie for you by the tree this year.

Today's Horoscope

"In a month or so, Santa Claus will visit a mall near you. No matter your age or your religion, you will be free to sit on Santa's lap and tell him all about your dreams and what you want for your life. Even though you probably won't choose to do this literally, you are advised to do so in your imagination. Think about what it would be like to have a magical being hold you like a beloved child, and promise you everything you want in life.  Magic can happen for you over the next few months, Capricorn, but you have to believe in it."

Saaaaanta!  I don't even know what to ask for!  This is so sudden.  Stay tuned for my letter to Santa!

Really?? Like could this year be ANY crazier?

Well technically this involves NEXT year.  So maybe I'm extending my vacation in crazy town for a whole other year! Yippee!!!

Saw my ENT today for a follow up on my still painful and stuffy nose since my lovely meeting with the hotel toilet in August.  He stuck that long tube thing ALL the way in and then said "Yep, it's a mess in there.  Your septum is smashed up against your nasal cavity wall.  Since you're pregnant we can't do surgery until after you deliver."

Surgery!  Then he told me I'd probably want to wait a few months after the baby is born since I'll have my hands full.   HA!

Seriously people - this is nuts!  Just last month the WLS surgeon's office told me I could come back 8-10 weeks after I deliver to start the process again.  Do any of these people know what it's like to have a newborn baby?  The only thing I'll be wanting is some good sleep!

Anyway, plenty of time to mull that over - but it would be nice to have a 2012 that is peaceful and smooth!

Arghhhh...

No, I'm not trying to be a pirate!  I'm already fed up and it's only just begun.  For those of you who have never been pregnant or have never faced complications, let me tell you that it is the most frustrating and time-consuming process when you are high risk.

The doctors watch you like a hawk.  This is a good thing because obviously you don't want anything to go wrong.  But it involves lots of blood work and peeing in cups and appointment after appointment.  It becomes a full-time job monitoring your health.

This was the EXACT reason why I was waiting to get pregnant until after my surgery.  The surgery was supposed to help me get healthy and back to an average person status.  Now I'm facing high blood pressure (pre-eclampsia), gestational diabetes and lord knows what else as I enter this pregnancy.

I'm angry at myself for letting myself get so unhealthy.  And in all honesty I'm scared to death for myself and for this baby.  I promise I'm going to give it my all and work really hard but I don't know if it will be enough to save me from those complications lurking right around the corner.

I'm sorry if I'm sound like I'm complaining but I just got off the phone with my OB about my failed 1 hr. glucose test - now I have to take the dreaded 3 hr.  Not a big deal if you are say 28 weeks or 30 weeks.   I'm 7 weeks and my sugars are already high.  Not. Good.

I'm not religious but I think prayer might become a new hobby.

Baby No. 2 is 6wks and 5 days along.

Had my ultrasound yesterday.  Got to see his or her little hearbeat....strong as ever.  I am still reeling from the shock of it all.  Haven't even had a chance to shed too many tears for all the work I put into the surgery preparations because I've been thrown into a whole other ballgame. 

Had my obstetric bloodwork panel, glucose test and 24 hour urine today.  I'm waiting to hear back from the perinatal doctors so I can make an appointment with them.  I have got hospital paperwork to fill out. I'm already considered high risk because of my weight and my pregnancy history.  I hope my work will be understanding.

It's going to be a long journey.  But it will be worthwhile.  I can't believe I'm going to be a mommy again!

My Life Has Changed...

...but not in the way you might think.  We arrived at the hospital around 5:45a and they took me back right away.  Shawn had to wait in the waiting room.  They put me in a little room with a curtain.  I was instructed to pee in a cup and then change into a gown and the infamous slipper socks.

As I waited, I was beyond terrified.  I examined my new wardrobe, a giant lavender gown which had a giant flap in the stomach area - I assume it was for surgical access.  It also had two portholes, one by the lower right leg and one by my upper left shoulder.  Just then, a nurse popped her head in and told me she'd be back shortly to go over procedure.

Shortly turned into a half hour.  I then began to hear discussion in the hallway.  I heard one nurse say Dr. B called and that he was not doing my surgery today.  I was furious!!!  Why was he not coming in - how could he do this??  Then I heard them call another doctor up to the floor.  I was confused but I figured at least someone would do my surgery.  I watched his feet under the curtain as this new doctor browsed my chart.  I wondered if those feet belonged to a master surgeon and maybe he wouldn't give me a drain like Dr. B planned to.

He came in and said "Hi, I'm Dr. K.".  I shook his hand and said, "Nice to meet you."  Then he said it.  "We can't do your surgery today because we believe you are pregnant."

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?!

He must have seen the shock on my face because he said, "we tested your urine twice and it came up positive both times."  I asked him how this could be as I have an IUD?!  He said it just sometimes happens.  He said they could do a blood draw and send the results to my OB/GYN to confirm.  If it's a false positive, they will reschedule my surgery.

I took two home tests - both positive.  Blood test confirmed it this morning.  Only 4 to 5 weeks along, so it's super early.  There's a  slight chance I could miscarry when they remove the IUD - so I'm really nervous about that for tomorrow.

So there you have it folks.   No gastric bypass for me - instead I'm going to have a baby.  How's that for a plot twist?

Tomorrow is the BIG day

So I've been fairly introspective the last few days but I know I should be updating you guys!  The liquid diet has been REALLY hard for me to deal with.  I never really appreciated the ability to have what I want - when I want it.  I went to a craft fair yesterday and the smell of hot dogs and pizza was nearly crippling for me!  The soft pretzels were trying to follow me but I foiled them.  Thankfully I was surrounded by folks holding me accountable so that wasn't an option.  Last night I went to sleep dreaming about a turkey and cheese hoagie.

Today I've been feeling pretty blah.  I cried a lot this morning.  And I cried when my DH took DD to my in-laws for a few days.  When I have obstacles to face I tend to withdraw.  I did this with DD's labor and delivery.  I think it's what makes me strong.  I use that energy and direct it to where I need it.  I honestly don't know how I'll be feeling this time tomorrow night but I know that whatever happens will make me a stronger and better person.

The hunger and pain will only last a short time compared to the life I'm giving myself by having this surgery.  So here I go, no looking back - onward and upward!

Counting down.

In less than a week, just five short days I will be having my surgery.  Looking back, this day seemed so far away.  Now it's rapid approach is causing my stomach to flip and flop all over the place.  As the minutes pass and I face five days of pre-op liquid diet in just 10 minutes, my breathes are getting heavier and quicker.  The thought of all that I will be missing is overwhelming.

BUT I have to keep myself in check and remind myself that these losses are just food items.  I still have the important people in my life, I still have a great job and a roof over my head.  Junk food is no longer going to take priority in my life.

My primary doc was kind enough to provide me with a few pills to help keep panic attacks at bay.  I'm just hoping I can control my emotions over the next few days.  My husband is a saint for going through this with me!

So here goes nothing....only 8 minutes until I'm officially on liquids.  Better get a handful of candy in quick.

New Quote

"Embrace the pain of change. If you keep doing what you've been doing, you're gonna keep getting what you've been getting." —Dave Ramsey

Thought this was fitting for my upcoming surgery.  Here's to my new life!

Cheers :)

2 weeks!!!!!!!!!

2 weeks from today is my surgery....Eeeeeeek.  Okay, now that I have gotten that out of the way, I cannot believe that my life is going to be changed forever in a short amount of time.  I find myself nesting in a way.  Preparation makes me feel comforted.  Today I decided to do the past year's worth of filing in our home office.  ::hangs head in shame::  I also just completed my list of pre-op purchases that will help me get through the first few weeks.  Some sample items from my list:  Sugar free liquids, low fat broth soups, yogurt, baby food, etc.

The current debate in my head is whether slippers or flip flops would be better hospital footwear.  I love flip flops but will my feet be too chilly?  Perhaps a combination of the two?

This is some heavy stuff - I know.

In all honesty, the only thing I'm truly terrified of is something going terribly wrong in the OR and I don't come out alive.  But that's an honest fear of anyone having surgery.  I've been contemplating the idea of writing a letter to my DD and even DH - but am not sure if that's just too morbid.  And I don't want to discuss it too much here because it makes me sad. The pain factor is a little scary as well but I'm not too worried about anything else.  I'm just going to take things day by day and do what I need to do in order to get healthy and take my damn life back.

So the countdown continues.  Pre-admission testing on Friday morning, ENT later in the afternoon for my lovely broken nose and then liquid diet starting September 7th...dah dah daaaah. (That's dramatic music in case you didn't catch that.)

Jack and Jill didn't fall down the hill....

..it was me and it was terrifying!  Okay, it wasn't even a hill, it was a bathroom, but let's start from the beginning!  Saturday evening was the Jack and Jill party for my friends, SJ and LS at Yakitori Boy.  It was a great night, lots of offkey karaoke and one too many Tokyo Teas for me.  We were back at the hotel by 11pm and I was out cold by midnight. 

Here's a photo from the evening, I'm wearing SJ's crown:

In the morning, I grudgingly got up and got in the shower.  Looked pretty much like this:

I turned the shower on, stepped in and closed the shower curtain.  All of a sudden, I slipped and tried to grab the shower curtain.  Obviously, that's not going to stop a 300lb woman and my face, specifically my nose area, slammed into the toilet.  I hit it so hard that the toilet seat actually came off the hinges!  In shock, I reached for my face and put my hand over my nose and mouth, unsure of what I had actually injured.  When I pulled my hand away, there was so much blood that I was confused.  I yelled for help and my hero and one of my best friends, NR, poked her head in - and then took control.  She got me ice, covered my naked 300lb mess with towels to save me some embarrassment.  I was sobbing in pain and the blood just kept coming.   I swear it was just waterfalls of blood choking me.  The hotel staff was on their way up so I had help getting back into my pajamas.  I sat there shaking while NR filled out an incident report for me.

The hotel called EMS for me and they took me to a hospital a few blocks away.  NR waited patiently by my side until I was finally released.  And now I have to get a CT scan tomorrow morning and see an ENT to determine the extent of the injury.  I have to say this was one of the scariest moments in my life.  I really was so confused and it hurts so badly - even now.  I will be shaky getting into showers for a long time.

So hopefully I didn't ruin their weekend too badly.  I know that I am pretty much the laughing stock at work due to my insane magnetism to accidents.  Let's just hope and pray that my surgery does not contain any accidents and it goes more smoothly than the past few months have for me.

Pre-Op Visit

I was really excited for my pre-op visit and class and Shawn took the day off to go with me.  My pre-op visit was a laughable 30 minutes of all that could possibly go wrong during surgery and me signing papers saying I was going to do it anyway.  Then we came back in the afternoon for the pre-op class which was essentially going over the handbook that we were given at our initial visit.  Since I've read the thing cover to cover on numerous occasions it was old news for me.  I was hoping for some new information or something - I scored a 100% on the test though.  So that was a plus.

And that was it.  I don't know if I wasn't expecting fanfare or something but it was oddly anti-climactic.

On another note, my friend who had surgery is doing well.  She's lost 19lbs in her first week.  I don't expect to lose that much but I'm very happy for her!

So the countdown is on!  Less than 3 weeks to go......eeeek!

Going Public

So if you are reading this, then you probably are curious about my choice to have RNY.  I am writing this because I want it to come from the source, not from he said/she said.  So feel free to ask questions (if they are out of curiosity and not malicious).  I also want people to know up front that the decision is made and I don't want any backlash from people who don't agree with me.

Here it is....I weigh over 300lbs.  Yep. 3-0-0.  So when you say "The lady next to me on the plane had to weigh at LEAST 300lbs!" - that's me.  Or " God that chick was so fat!  She had to weigh more than 300lbs!" - That's me too.  I'm sure you've all seen my struggles throughout the past 10 years or so.  The wake up call came when Samantha's life and my life were in danger during my pregnancy.  After my pregnancy, I gained so much weight that I now have 150lbs to lose.  It would be really difficult for someone like me to drop 150lbs with diet and exercise alone and maintain that weight loss.  I'm not saying it's impossible but I am saying that it is unlikely.

Statistics say that those diagnosed as morbidly obese (that's me) before the age of 40 will live 22 YEARS less than their average weight counterparts.  22 YEARS!!  That's my retirement, my daughter as an adult, my grandchildren - all gone because I won't survive this weight problem.  And I'll be damned if I'm going to live with that statistic.  So I am making a decision on what is best for myself and my family.  

I have already researched the pros and cons extensively and evaluated the risks associated with surgery.  I have attended informational sessions, many support group meetings and met with all the right people.  I've heard the horror stories but I've also heard the success stories.  I have WLS buddies who are there to support me and I have some family and friends who are behind me 100%.  All I ask is that if you have a negative or condescending opinion is that you keep it to yourself.  It is extremely important that I am ONLY surrounded by loving and supportive people.

This surgery is by no means the magic bullet or the "easy way out".  It will take extremely hard work and major dedication for it to pay off.  I am well aware of what I need to do.  If you are anti-surgery, I encourage you to do some research for yourself.  Also, anyone is welcome to attend a support group meeting with me - they take place once a month at AMH.

If you'd like more information on my WLS, try visiting http://www.obesityhelp.com/ or http://www.amh.org/services/bariatric-metabolic/surgical-weight-loss-procedures/. 

Update

Had another support group meeting two weeks ago.  We had a breakout session for just RNY'ers.  A friend of mine from another law firm met me there.  She's having RNY on August 15th.   The breakout session was interesting because we got to hear from people at several stages: preop, 2 weeks out, 4 weeks out, 2 months out and 8 years out.  There was a man there who was extremely well spoken who was 2 1/2 months out and had already lost 85lbs post op.  Unreal!  Obviously that is not typical but I just couldn't imagine losing 85lbs period.

The girl at 4 weeks out was having a really tough time mourning her food.  She was very angry with herself for having surgery and resentful.  She said she wished she could take it back.  Most folks jumped in and said she would only feel that way for a little while longer and that it gets better.  They said everyone goes through a griveing process for their old lifestyle.  It's good to know there are people there to support me afterwards.

My pre-op appointment is approaching quickly.  August 22nd.  They will do some tests and labs.  That afternoon I have to take a post-op nutrition and care class and then get tested on the material.  I'm starting to get more nervous as September approaches.  My health hasn't been very good the past few weeks so I've been a bit down on myself.  I just want the day to finally come when I wake up and feel energetic and healthy.

I've already made arrangements for DH to be home in the evenings to help me care for DD.  And my SIL has agreed to take DD to daycare for me in the mornings.  Hopefully that won't last for too long.  Some people said it was 10 weeks before they could lift things again - and DD is so darn adorable and sweet, it's going to be hard not to pick her up and give her a squeeze whenever I want.

So here I sit.  Waiting for September 12th. 

Why Being Fat Sucks. (Inspired by Shelly @ The World According to EggFace)

a.k.a. Why I'm having WLS

1. Boobs that weigh more than my 1 year old daughter.
2. Going shopping with friends and only being able to buy accessories or home goods.
3. When people you are with ask for a booth and you aren't sure you can fit.
4. Going to concerts and not being able to fit into the t-shirts.
5. Being hot all the time.
6. Sweat.
7. Summer clothing (sleeveless, short, revealing, definitely not fat-friendly)
8. Narrow aisles in stores and squeezing through crowds at bars.
9. Weighing in at the doc's office and seeing them move that little metal weight over one more notch.
10. Being limited to two clothing stores.
11. Sex.
12. People analyzing what you eat constantly.
13. Airplane seats and bathrooms. Enough said.
14. People always saying, "You have such a pretty face."
15. Walking by a group of teenagers and hoping they don't make comments.
16. Having pictures taken.
17. Ordering things for special events like bridesmaid dresses.
18. Not fitting on roller coasters and amusement rides.
19. Getting into contortions to paint my toes.
20. Worrying when I hear a creak in a chair.
21. Movie theater and regular theater seats.
22. Never getting a piggy back ride or being swept off my feet.
23. Wiping my butt.
24. Shaving.
25. Catching food with my cleavage.

WLS Support Group Meeting Review - June 2011

I went alone to the meeting last night.  My DH was working and I didn't feel like dragging anyone else along.  My usual routine is to go in, sign in, get a parking pass and then take a seat somewhere that I can observe not only the meeting leaders but the attendees.  Then while I wait for them to start, I scan the crowd guessing if they had surgery yet or not.  Some people are so thin - you'd NEVER guess they had surgery.  Others you can tell by the hanging skin or the awkward shape of their lower body compared to the upper body. 

I was sitting there thinking, "These meetings would be so much better if they had folks speak who had surgery", when low and behold - they announced a WLS'er wanted to talk about her journey!  Score.  The woman who spoke was my age (30) and had surgery about 2 1/2 years ago.  She looked beautiful and was very confident in her words.  I was impressed by her conviction and felt more at peace with my own desire to have surgery.

I'm really glad I went to the meeting.  My friend at work had her LAP Band surgery this morning.  She did very well.  I'm going to give her a call tomorrow to see how she is doing!

Tiny Daggers - A post inspired by a fellow WLSer

She calls them Tiny Daggers.  Those moments in time where you were acutely aware of your obesity and felt a little knife twisting in your heart.  Moments that we won't ever forget because we were so ashamed or embarrassed.

Tiny Dagger No. 1:  DH and I were at an Irish bar in NE Philly over 5 years ago before we were married.  We had a great night!  Lots of dancing and drinking.  As we were leaving and walking toward our car, a car fully of young guys sped past me and one of them yelled "Fatty" out the window and took off.  DH was furious and rushed to the car in an effort to chase them down.  Through my tears, I told him not to bother.  It was an awful moment in my life.

Tiny Dagger No. 2: From the mouths of babes...I have been told on several occasions by several different little ones over the past few years "You're really big" or "You're fat" or "You're a lot bigger than my mommy".  Now of course children don't say things to hurt you on purpose but that's why it hurts even more - because they are honest and don't know that even if something is true that you do not say it out loud.

Tiny Dagger No. 3:  In January I turned 30.  To celebrate, my DH and I decided to fly to Las Vegas for a few days.  For the first time, I sat in my seat on the airplane (aisle of course for more room) and I had to suck it in so hard that I almost didn't get my seatbelt closed.  I was absolutely mortified and was panicked that I'd have to ask for an extender.  It finally clicked but just barely.  I didn't even tell my husband at first because I was so devastated.

Tiny Dagger No. 4:  It began during my pregnancy, but never went away....my big round belly.  I am now that person that asks for a table because I'm afraid I won't be able to fit in the booth.  The first time it happened, I was at a Ruby Tuesdays and had to ask the waitress to be re-seated.  It was absolutely mortifying.

I could go on and on with these but really what's the point?  Because they are ONLY memories and I have a lifetime of good ones to make up for the bad ones.  This surgery will bring me closer to the real me who is stuck inside this extra large frame!

Bringing her home...

I was on bed rest with preeclamsia for less than a week when I began getting terrible headaches.  They decided to induce me in the early morning hours of March 14, 2010 and at 12:33a on March 15th, I pushed my little darling out into the arms of the doctor.  There was a swarm of nurses waiting to snatch her up and check her vitals.  I peered over at her little cradle as they did their tests trying to get a glimpse of her.  A nurse brought her to me for 5 minutes, where DH and I smothered her face with kisses and then she was whisked off to the NICU.

Because I was preeclamptic, I was on magnesium for a full 24 hours after the birth and was unable to get out of bed.  I didn't get to see DD until the morning of March 16th.  It was the LONGEST day and night of my life.  I sent DH to see her and take pictures for me.  Then I was discharged and DD had to stay.  I cried the entire ride home and broke down into sobs sitting at my kitchen table and feeling totally overwhelmed.

For 17 days, which felt like a lifetime, I visited DD in the NICU two or three times a day for several hours at a time.  Even to this day, the smell of Purell Hand Sanitizer takes me right back to that time.  When we were finally told we could bring her home, it was such a relief!  We nervously strapped her into her car seat and watched the nurse snap her into the car.  As we drove home, Shawn watched us in the rear view mirror.  We just couldn't believe she was finally coming home.

When we got home, we left her in the carseat and placed it on the floor.  Our dog, Beene and our cat, Rocky came running in to see what the excitement was about.  Rocky sniffed her cautiously and ran away to hide.  Beene sniffed her and licked her face.  We knew our family was finally complete!

Then suddenly I panicked because we didn't take any of the plastic nipples from the NICU and we had NO bottles!! At this point I thought we were doomed as parents because we couldn't even think of buying something simple like bottles.  Remember, she had come early!  So I hadn't had any baby showers and my MIL had warned me on purchasing anything prior to birth as bad luck. 

So while she slept in her bassinet, all swaddled in a blanket, DH screeched out of the driveway to the closest store to buy bottles.  When he returned, he was sweaty and red-faced and dropped a huge bag on the table.  He had purchased four different brands of bottles because he didn't know which ones to get!  We laughed at our parenting skills and then DH took pictures as I changed her first diaper and fed her a bottle for the first time at home. We really weren't very confident at first and it took a lot of trial and error before we got into our groove!

I remember feeling like I was in a dream and that any minute I would wake up in the NICU recliner next to her cradle.  And although most of my memory of that time has now vanished due to lack of sleep and mommy brain - I will always remember how I felt that day.  So proud to be a mom and so happy to have her safe in our home!

Das Boot

Remember that possible foot fracture?!  Well here is how my podiatrist would like me to spend the next 3 weeks:

Yes, that is my lovely leg in a large Storm Trooper-looking boot.  For a tiny foot fracture on my third metatarsal.  Why must I be tortured like this?! Lol. 

My daughter has tried to "ride" the boot several times and my dog is frightened of it.  He won't walk past me if I'm in his way.  My husband giggles with glee every time he sees me in it.  At least it's bringing others amusement!

I'm just trying to view it as something to help make me stronger by sticking with it.  Practicing for surgery.

Flawed genes cause tight jeans.

I always had a nickname for this gene I picked up.  The B#######n Rounds.  Because we get rounder and rounder as we grow older. 

My grandfather was an amazing, loving and gentle soul but he was a big guy.  We always lovingly teased him about the food that got stuck in the sides of his mouth or his affair with ice cream.  He always laughed heartily with shining eyes - he didn't care.  He was confident in who he was.  He didn't acknowledge that he might have diabetes, to him it was a snake bite that caused his legs to be swollen and purple. 

My mom also picked up this round gene.  She is also an amazing, loving and gentle soul.  (I can only hope I pick that up too.)  But my mom is more aware of her health as she has had to deal with a few real health issues including high blood pressure and a double knee replacement surgery at the young age of 50.  No snake did that!  She sees me following her path and my grandfather's path and she is worried for me.

I'm worried for me too.  Yes, it's partially genes but I have to learn to control what I put in my mouth so that I do not tempt those evil round genes any further.  I am utilizing this surgery as a tool to create a new lifestyle for myself.  My grandfather would not want me to suffer this way and I know my mom is suffering as she watches me die from obesity.  Because I am dying.  In fact, I'm killing myself - slowly but it will come if I don't stop.

And then there's DD.  1/2 my genes are in there somewhere.  She's got my chin....she's got my hair - does she have the round genes too?  Maybe, but she'll never find out if I have anything to do with it.  Hopefully, she won't even remember having a fat mommy.  I'm killing these genes in this generation darn it!

Approved!!!

Surgery is scheduled for September 12th.  Yes, it seems far away and at first I was disappointed but I'm trying to look at is as plenty of time to prepare myself.  I'm on a "bump up" list as well. 

Whoo!  Feeling excited right now.  Wonder when the terror will set in??

Has it been 10 days yet??

I'm trying to be patient.  I really am.  I'm not doing well on that front.  A co-worker of mine is getting the lap band.  She's a sweetheart and I'm glad to have a WLS buddy at work that I can talk to. 

I think I'm just going to call Dr. B's office on Friday and ask anyway.  The worst they can say is call back next week. 

I've been trying to plan out coping strategies for after the surgery.  One of the things I've decided to do is start singing again.  There's a local choir that meets up once a week and I'm going to join in September.  This will give me something to look forward to that is just for me! 

La-La-La.....  :)

EGD all done!

Completed my final hurdle for insurance approval on Friday!  It was a piece of cake thankfully!

I was more nervous about the IV than anything.  The nurses and anesthesiologist were very nice and kept me talking so I wouldn't freak out.  The IV didn't hurt too bad at all.  They walked me back to the OR and I laid down on my side.  Pillows propped me up.  They strapped this thing in my mouth to protect my teeth from the camera.  It went really fast but it helped that all the nurses and doctors were smiling and talking to me.    The anesthesia burned going in but I was literally out in seconds.  Woke up feeling great, like I had slept for hours!   DH got to meet Dr. B which was good.  Dr. B said I have a small hiatel hernia but that is pretty common and may even be caused by my weight.  So he gave me the all clear for surgery.  He told me to call his office in 10 days to see if I was approved and to schedule a date.  ::CROSSES FINGERS::

On another note, Thursday evening I finally went to the podiatrist.  He thought I might have a stress fracture and he wants me to come back.  I got my X-rays after my EGD (they told me to go home after but it was the same building - thought I'd just get it out of the way).  Just talked to the podiatrist's receptionist - she said I didn't have a stress fracture -sigh.  Hopefully the doc will give me a solution.

I felt fine after EGD, not even a scratchy throat.  Then yesterday I developed this horrible cough and sore throat.  I feel just awful.  Wonder if I picked it up at the hospital or from one of my nephews on Saturday.  BLAH.

Feeling blue.

I'm not sure what is going on with me right now.  Yesterday and today I have been really down.  I came home from work,  climbed in to bed and cried for an hour yesterday before I went to pick up my DD.  Today I'm walking around with tears perched at the corners of my eyes waiting for a trigger to start them streaming down my face.

I've been thinking about trying to find a new career path but that is so overwhelming as I don't even know where to begin!  And then I worry that I should wait until after surgery because who wants to hire someone who will be going out for a few weeks?  Plus I need disability to cover it so I need to stay here until it's over.

I have my EGD on Friday which I'm excited to get over and done with but it must also be making me more uptight and anxious.  Things that normally are a 2 on my annoyance scale have jumped to a 7 or 8.  I am so tired of being fat and am starting to get impatient about the surgery wait.  Also, I've been tilting back to going on weight watchers one more time.

It's alot to think about and I'm completely overwhelmed and am so close to just staying in bed and hiding under the covers until everything is just a memory.  Thank goodness I have a mostly understanding hubby and a beautiful daughter.  If it weren't for them, I would have checked into a facility by now.

Patience is a virtue.....or so I'm told.

I called Dr. B's office yesterday to get an idea of what kind of timeframe I'm looking at.  They said they will submit to insurance after the endoscopy, which I knew, and then it could take up to two weeks to get approved, which I also knew.  I guess I was hoping to hear something magical, like surprise we already got you approved...lol.  She also said Dr. B's surgeries are currently scheduling for 2 months out. ACK!  So, hypothetically if all is submitted the Monday following my endoscopy which would be May 23rd, and insurance approves in two weeks, which would be June 6th, then my surgery would be in early August.  And that's if everything is done in a timely manner...sigh.

I know I shouldn't be rushing anything, especially something like major surgery, but I was really hoping to lose some weight this summer.  I think my goal will be to lose weight anyway prior to surgery.  It will just make surgery go more smoothly and my weight loss better afterwards.  I have no clue where to start, especially because I have precious little free time as it is.  And no desire to purchase exercise clothing that fits me at this size.  Maybe I'll have S hook up the Wii in the new family room.  And I might as well start following my post-surgery diet plan right?? LOL.  Wishful thinking but it's worth a try.

Summer Dread

It's that time of year again.  Summer is approaching.  The weather is warming up and clothing is coming off.  You may not be aware but most fat people HATE the summertime.  Not only do I have less clothes to cover up and hide but I sweat horribly.  I'm not trying to be disgusting but I literally have to shower and change at least twice a day in the summer because I sweat so bad.  And GOD do I hate sweating!

I hate wearing shorts in public as well.  I used to be okay with capris but even those have betrayed me now that my stomach is out of proportion with my legs thanks to childbirth.  So I suffer in silence wearing pants as an obese martyr of sorts.  Taking one for the team per say.  If I don't want to look at my pasty white cellulite laden legs than who would?

This summer is worse than before because I am now at the heaviest I have ever really been.  I do not want to go crazy buying clothes because with any luck I will be having surgery and will lose weight.  However, I do not know when my surgery will be yet and I am already suffering in my fall maternity tops that I've been wearing well past the acceptable date of wearing them post-childbirth.  I purchased two tank tops and two short sleeved cardigans and will pick up a couple more things when my LB Real Women dollars are valid in a week or two.   Hopefully, I will know if I'm having surgery by then.

I'm sad that I'll have to suffer through one more summer of fatness but I keep reminding myself that next summer I will hopefully be rocking a swimsuit without...GASP...a coverup!!  But for now I will have to deal with my current state of "Beached whale" for all to gag at.

Mother's Day

My Mother's Day had it's moments.  DH had to work and so it was me and DD for most of the day.  We went shopping at Target in the morning and then after nap we had a picnic lunch in the backyard. That was probably my favorite part of the day.  Pending the weather, I'd like to make it a regular weekly occurrence for her and I.  We spent an hour eating and playing on a blanket in the yard!  Her adorableness is so overwhelming sometimes and I wonder how someone so adorable came from me?

We had a Mother's Day BBQ at the in-laws.  It was nice but sometimes family gatherings can be too overwhelming!  When I come home I feel like I was at a rock concert with my ears ringing.

These family gatherings always make me feel very large and awkward.  Everyone is so thin and well-dressed and I'm just huge and in the way most of the time.  I can't wait until I start losing some weight and I can feel comfortable in my own skin again.

Cleared by Pulmonary

My appointment went well this morning.  My sleep study results came back normal.  I had a few apnea/hypopnia episodes but not more than a normal person.  I snored light/medium for the majority of time I was sleeping.  The doctor and Nurse Practitioner were SO nice there!  He kind of reminded me of Mr. Rogers with all white hair and a bow tie. 

So they will be shipping off a letter to Dr. B, clearing me for surgery! Yay!  One step closer.  Next step is my endoscopy on May 20th.  I'm pretty nervous about that one. 

I told a few folks at work and they all seem to think this will be a great thing for me.  The NP this morning told me she just saw a patient yesterday who had it and had lost 129lbs in 11 months.  That made me feel good to hear.

Trying to be patient

Trying to be patient.  I have an appointment with the Pulmonary folks on Friday to discuss the results of my sleep study.  Hopefully they have my report by then.  My endoscopy is May 20th which I'm nervous about but I'm trying not to worry about it.  It's no big deal. I plan on going to the movies that night.

Trying to keep up with some folks on Obesityhelp.com.  Some days it seems like everyone is complaining and then others everyone is so happy.  Weird.

Sleep Study = AWKWARD!

Sleep study was Monday night.  I didn't quite know what to expect although everyone told me how nice the facility was at AMH's Warminster Campus.  I heard the rooms were like "hotel rooms" with flat screen tvs and tempurpedic bed and that secured my place of choice.  When I arrived, the hospital was empty....lights on, lobby tv on, but no people anywhere.  I ventured up the 3rd Floor and followed the signs in the empty hallway to my destination:  The Sleep Center.

I open the door and walk in peering down an empty blue hallway.  I searched for someone...anyone and when I reached the office, a young guy in scrubs popped out and pointed to the door just across the hall marked Sleep Room 3.  I asked if it was my room and he eagerly said yes and led me in.  The room was FREEZING.  He had turned the air on for me because it had been very warm in that room he said.  I asked if he could turn it off.  He pointed at some paperwork and told me to fill it out, get my pajamas on and open the door when I'm done.

Let's talk about the "hotel room" really quick.  Because it wasn't anything like the hotel room I pictured in my head.  The walls were painted this horrible blue color. The flat screen tv was like  19", hospital style flat screen tv.  The bed was tempurpedic but it was still a hospital bed - no question.  Defintely wouldn't recommend that place on hotels.com.  But I digress...

I filled out the 10 pages or so of papers, got my jammies on and waited for him to come back.  I hadn't noticed anyone else so I asked if there were other patients doing studies and he said only 1 other person was scheduled and they hadn't shown up.  GREAT.  So it's just him and I alone on this entire floor?  I just got a little more uncomfortable.

Wires, wires and more wires were hooked up to my face, head, chest, and legs and straps wrapped around my chest and waist.  It isn't pretty, but I promised to be real in this blog so here is a picture of me with all that crap hooked up:

I watched TV briefly but felt like I might be able to fall asleep so I tried to get cozy.  But the longer I laid there, the more urgently I had to pee....of course.  Now, he told me to just call him if I had to go - and by call, he meant call out because there was a mic in my room so he could hear me.  Ahhh....yeah weird.  So I fidgeted wondering if or how I should alert him to my bladder issue when in the darkness I hear..."Everything okay??"  O.M.G.  CREEPY!!! He really was watching me on the big camera over my bed and must have noticed my fidgeting.  "Ummm...I have to go the bathroom."  I didn't realize they watched it the whole time.

So after my bathroom visit, it felt like HOURS....YEARS before I fell asleep.  Before I knew it he was waking me up at 5:10am.  Try having tape ripped off your face when you're half asleep - not fun.

He told me that I DO snore alot (no kidding) and implied I may have slight sleep apnea but it might not be enough to warrant a machine.  We shall see.  I'm still waiting for the pulmonary folks to call and schedule an appt.

So that was my adventure!  Let's hope that's the only one I have to do!

Nerves!!!

I have had moments of sheer terror thinking about RNY and the fact that my body will be FOREVER changed.  I started to feel sorry for myself thinking about not being able to enjoy my daughter's wedding cake when she gets married in 20-some years (lol...I know but I do think about stuff like this).  So I panicked and wrote Dr. B a letter asking to change my surgery to VSG anyway. 

He wrote back that night (another reason why I love IMBS) and told me that it's natural to be scared and that he would gladly do a VSG but that my insurance only approves VSG in combination with an RNY or DS anyway - which I did not realize.  I had my tears about it and even considered going to Mexico and paying out of pocket (DH nixed that idea REAL quick).

So I have made my peace with RNY and accepted that in order to make a really important change in my life, my body will have to change too.  But it won't just be changing inside....the change will be visible on the outside.  The change will also happen in my lifestyle...change will be everywhere.  And I need a change.  So it is scary and I'll probably have a few more moments of panic between now and surgery day (whenever that may be).  But I have to keep reminding myself that I'm doing this to save my life and so I can enjoy life right now.

Exhausted!

Yesterday was a big day for me.  I had all three of my consult appointments in one day!

I met with Dr. B and he told me that I was a great candidate for surgery.  Although I did get some bad news because he told me that I am borderline diabetic and that he would even be comfortable saying I'm diabetic.  I also have a fatty liver which is not good and I have to lose some weight before surgery.  Since I snore like a mofo, I also have to go for a sleep study now to determine if I have sleep apnea.

I had my heart set on the VSG, however, he recommended I go with either the RNY or the DS because I will see better results and they fit better for my needs based on the fact that I have more than 150lbs to lose and other issues.  I was very disappointed and even considered begging for VSG but then I thought that he has a much better idea what would be best for me based on his years of experience. 

I'm going to take some time to accomodate the idea of an RNY before I decide what to do.   The psych and NUT appointments were relatively easy.  Just answered ALOT of embarrassing questions about my relationship with food.

I went to the support group meeting again last night and it was helpful.  It's nice to see some people who have gone through surgery and had success.  I'm REALLY nervous now.

Surgeon appointment is finally here.

Meeting with the surgeon tomorrow.  It feels like it's been months since I made the appointment (in reality it's only been a little more than 1 month - lol)

I'm so stinking excited about it and I'm trying not to be because there is always the possiblility that he will tell me that this surgery isn't right for me.  And of course, THAT would be depressing.  But I'm going to be positive and remember that everything happens for a reason and if it's not meant to be then there's a reason for it.

Keeping my fingers crossed.

Update on last test

Had the ABG test done on Monday - a warning on it would have been nice.  I assumed it was a normal blood draw but apparently arteries are finnicky things and the respiratory therapists have to dig around for them.  I just about passed out.  I started sweating really heavily and panting.  They didn't have anywhere for me to lay down - it was AWFUL!!  Then my fingers and face started to tingle and I couldn't move either of them.  They almost took me to the ER but a doctor came in, calmed me down and then I gradually started feeling better.  I thought for a second I was having a stroke - terrible...horrible feeling. I'm so glad that's done with.   I better buck up though because surgery isn't any cake walk either.

I am so excited for my appointment with the surgeon on Tuesday!  It's almost here!  I wish DH could come with me but he'll be in training at work and can't switch his schedule around.

One test left before my appointment

Got my EKG done on Saturday - which was normal.  They told me they don't do the arterial blood gas test on Saturdays....sigh.  And it's only done until 3:30pm M-H.  So, more time off from work.  The weather is supposed to be nice on Thursday so maybe I'll do it then.

Been following the forums on obesityhelp.com and that's been keeping me motivated.  DH and I had a big blowout about my portion of spaghetti the other night which I was assured by friends was not "enough to feed an army" as my dh had indicated it was.  This does not help me and I get so frustrated bc he picks the weirdest times to have these battles.  I told him that I won't start dieting until my surgery is approved - I want my BMI to be high enough to get approved. 

It's so frustrating trying to explain things to someone who has never been fat.

Short Update

Nothing new and exciting as of yet.  Had my bloodwork done and specimen turned in on Monday.  They took 10 vials of blood!  Wasn't sure if I was going to be woozy since I also hadn't eaten! 

Tomorrow I have an eye doctor's appt but I'm thinking of stopping by the hospital afterwards to get my final two pre-surgeon appt tests done (EKG and Arterial Blood Gas).

At first I thought this appointment was coming too fast but now it seems so far away.  I just want to get this thing going.  I'm ready to start this journey to a new life!

Nothing in Particular

Just checking in to say nothing is happening. LOL.  My therapist told me I was doing a great job in therapy - which made me laugh because I didn't know someone could do a bad job.  But nonetheless I was glad to hear it.

I scheduled my blood work and dreaded stool sample (sorry but I'm all about being real) on Monday at lunch time.  Which leaves me with the arterial blood gas and ekg to schedule.  Still not sure about when to do those. 

April 19th seems to be so far away.  There's another support group meeting coming up too.

Skinny Daydreams

I often daydream about what it would be like to be thin.  Sometimes I picture myself walking into Victoria's Secret or Forever 21 and actually picking out clothes or underwear!  How cool would that be?  Most people take for granted the luxury of shopping for regular-sized clothes.  Shopping for me is a totally different experience.  I get to shop at Lane Bryant or Avenue.  Sometimes Macys or Sears have plus-sized clothes that are decent but they mainly cater to the older crowd and don't have very stylish items.

Whenever I go to Lane Bryant at the mall, I feel like people are staring at me as I walk in - like "There goes the fatty looking for clothes".  Of course, I'm sure that's mostly in my head but it's still is embarrassing.  Even worse is trying on something that looks cute on the plus-sized mannequin or in the flyer but looks nothing like that on you.  Although it might if I used clothes pins to hold in on me like they use on the mannequins.  I've noticed that plus-sized models don't have a fat belly, they all have flat stomachs...which I find odd since most big women have bellies.  So yes, those jeans look cute on the model but on me they look like mom jeans if I don't cover up my pooch.

In my thin daydream, I can get up and walk around without any pain, I go to nightclubs and dance the night away in a slinky black dress, I put on sexy lingerie for my husband and it doesn't look like a muumuu.  Ahhh....it would be wonderful.

But for now, I'm trapped in this shell of a person who isn't really me.  She's an imposter who's taken over the fun-loving, energetic Danielle who likes to dance, smile and sing.  My one hope is that the surgery will bring her back.  And maybe....just maybe I'll buy underwear from Victoria and find her secret.

Inspired by Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop

Feeling the joy

Went to the WLS support group meeting at the hospital tonight.  My mom came along for moral support.  Sat in with a bunch of VSG'ers and you could just feel how happy they were.  It made me want to feel that way.  They talked about waking up without knee pain and having more energy.  I'm just itching to have that too.  My mom is still skeptical.  I know she's trying hard to not be negative but she just doesn't think I'll be able to change my eating habits after the surgery. 

Changing habits must be possible though or the surgery wouldn't work and the folks talking to us tonight would still be huge.  They ate like I do.  But they weren't.  So it's possible that I can change.  It's hard to stay focused when people around you are trying to pull you off course or divert you.  It's very hard.

Support Group tomorrow

Going to my first WLS support group meeting at the hospital tomorrow.  My mom is coming with me because she's interested in the surgery too but I think also just to get an idea of what I'm going to be going through.

I went and got my chest x-ray done. Check!  Feels good to get something off of my to-do list!  Abdominal ultrasound on Wednesday.  I'm thinking I'll do something on Saturday too.

I'm still facing a lot of negativity with regards to surgery.  It's very hard for me to deal with that stuff right now.  I am just going to keep it to myself as long as I can.  I know people are only concerned with my health and with all the potential complications but I really feel like this is the best choice for me.

Second thoughts?

I'm having trouble deciding if I'm having second thoughts because I'm scared or because they are legitimate things I should be concerned about.  My biggest concern is my eating habits.  If I have weight loss surgery, I have to maintain the diet and exercise program for life or I can still gain weight back.  I have never been able to stick to a diet.  Can I eat only healthy, nutritious options and get rid of carbs that I love?  And why do I love food so much - I'm in therapy for that one.

I can eat an entire small pizza in a sitting and I will only be able to eat 1 cup worth of food per sitting after the surgery.  That is like a mind game - my stomach will say I'm full but my head will be like - you only ate a tiny piece of chicken, you can't be full!

I don't know who to talk to about this.  Maybe I should just call the nurse at the hospital and see what they say.  Maybe I should give regular dieting and exercise another shot before I give up? Sigh.  It sucks being confused like this.

Dealing with everyone else's opinions

Weight loss surgery or WLS as the community calls it, seems like a very sticky subject with people.  Most people I come across are anti-surgery for weight loss.  They see it as a "easy out" solution to a  weight problem. Granted, the majority (not all) of those negative nellies are thin and have never dealt with an ongoing weight problem.  And they have not done enough research to know that the surgery and post-op life changes are by no means easy.

Here's the problem for me.  I need a support system for this surgery to work.  Regardless of my friends and family members' opinons on the subject, I'm counting on them to keep their mouths zipped and help me get through this.  My in-laws have already voiced their concerns over the topic and although I know they mean well, neither of them has ever had a weight problem.  I was afraid to tell my mother about my decision to investigate WLS but she has been good so far.  I know she is not thrilled because she is my mother and I KNOW when she is excited about something.  But she knows the struggle because she is going through it and I think she just really wants me to be healthy, no matter how I get there.

A few of my friends have asked a lot of questions and told me they generally don't agree with the surgery but if it's what I need to do....BUT I need a cheering section.  Right now, that cheering section consists of my husband.  He came to the information session with me as a skeptic but left confident that I could do this and it was a good choice.  And I am so grateful for his support.

So now I need to work on telling other people what I need from them.  Because how will they know if I don't tell them?

Intake Appointment Summary

I was greeted with plenty of smiles at the Institute for Metabolic and Bariatric Surgery when I arrived Monday morning which helped me relax.  The intake nurse was a really sweet woman about my age with a new baby at home as well.  We chatted about my medical history.  She recorded my weight, 300.4lbs, (GASP - not really I knew that) and my height and then we talked about what surgery I was considering, which is VSG (Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy). 

I am bummed because she said my insurance does cover the surgery but only if your BMI is 50 or above.  Her calculation of my BMI is 45 (I think it's 47), but either way - it's so close that rejection would be painful.  We will submit for that surgery anyway and if they deny the claim we can appeal the decision.  I'm hoping that with my medical history, the surgery will be approved.

I made my appointment to visit with the surgeon, the nutritionist and the psychiatrist for next month.  They said I could come in sooner with a different surgeon (I chose Dr. Bonnani) but I figured that 1 month isn't that long to wait and it will give me more time to research and make a decision.

Now for the crazy part.  I have to get a chest xray, an abdominal MRI, EKG, all kinds of blood work as well as another fun sample I won't share with you but you get the idea.  So, a month gives me time to get all that together!  Thank god child birth took away all of my shame and I can now go through anything without shock or embarrassment. lol.

The journey begins tomorrow.

My appointment with the bariatric intake folks is first thing tomorrow morning.  I'm super nervous and a little bit excited.  I don't want to get my hopes up too much because getting approved for surgery is a long process.  Which it should be since it's major surgery and it's elective.  I've been wasting hours on this website with before an after photos of gastric bypass patients' before and after photos.  Thought I'd share:

http://www.obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/members/before+and+after.php?Dir=Next&Time=1267391963&Count=271

Anyway, keep your fingers and toes crossed for me.

A different approach to weight loss

After many hours of therapy, we have come to the conclusion that whatever I am doing right now is not working for me.  I can't get motivated.  I can't get moving.  It's terrible and makes me feel even worse about myself.  My fat clothes are getting tight!  I am on a dangerous path.

I'm scared.  I saw an article that obese people live an average of 22 YEARS less than their normal weight counterparts. 22 years?!  That's alot of time to miss.  That's my grandchildren growing up.  I can't miss that!  Have you seen the 600lb mom?  I don't want to set that kind of example for my daughter or my future children.

I currently weight 300lbs, give or take a few depending on the day.   My BMI is a whopping 47 which puts me in the morbidly obese category.  Morbidly obese is a scary term.  It makes me think of hideous disgusting people who can't move out of bed - but that's not me.  Not yet anyway.

My point is that I mentioned bariatric surgery to my therapist and she seemed to think it would be a great option for me given my age and such.  So on Tuesday, my husband and I went to an information session at our local hospital.  It was very helpful but surgery is scary.  Especially when it is elective and this isn't like having a tooth removed! 

I have an intake appointment on Monday to get evaluated and then to determine if this would be right for me.  They perform four different types of surgery: restrictive (lap band); gastric sleeve, Rouxen Y and the other is too hard to pronounce or spell.  I'm thinking about opting for the gastric sleeve which is when they remove the large portion of your stomach and create a banana shaped stomach. 

Obviously, surgery does not automatically make you skinny.  There is a whole after-care program that I would have to follow to lose weight and stay healthy.  I still have to exercise and eat properly but the surgery is helpful for people who have more than 100lbs to lose. 

Right now I am dealing with a lot of negative nellies and anti-bariatric surgery talk.  My friends and family don't seem to understand how important it is for me to be healthy again.  They seem to think that I just need to "eat righ and move more".  Just do it they say - why do you need surgery?  I need a push, a shove, a jump start.  My joints ache constantly and I'm only 30 years old.   Exercising is painful.  Just everyday movement can be painful and exhausting.  If that was all it took then I'd be skinny by now.

This surgery is something I think that may help me get to a place where I can feel good again and feel comfortable exercising.  Wish me luck on my appt. on Monday.  And hopefully if I am approved, the insurance company will cover it.