Tomorrow is the BIG day

So I've been fairly introspective the last few days but I know I should be updating you guys!  The liquid diet has been REALLY hard for me to deal with.  I never really appreciated the ability to have what I want - when I want it.  I went to a craft fair yesterday and the smell of hot dogs and pizza was nearly crippling for me!  The soft pretzels were trying to follow me but I foiled them.  Thankfully I was surrounded by folks holding me accountable so that wasn't an option.  Last night I went to sleep dreaming about a turkey and cheese hoagie.

Today I've been feeling pretty blah.  I cried a lot this morning.  And I cried when my DH took DD to my in-laws for a few days.  When I have obstacles to face I tend to withdraw.  I did this with DD's labor and delivery.  I think it's what makes me strong.  I use that energy and direct it to where I need it.  I honestly don't know how I'll be feeling this time tomorrow night but I know that whatever happens will make me a stronger and better person.

The hunger and pain will only last a short time compared to the life I'm giving myself by having this surgery.  So here I go, no looking back - onward and upward!

Counting down.

In less than a week, just five short days I will be having my surgery.  Looking back, this day seemed so far away.  Now it's rapid approach is causing my stomach to flip and flop all over the place.  As the minutes pass and I face five days of pre-op liquid diet in just 10 minutes, my breathes are getting heavier and quicker.  The thought of all that I will be missing is overwhelming.

BUT I have to keep myself in check and remind myself that these losses are just food items.  I still have the important people in my life, I still have a great job and a roof over my head.  Junk food is no longer going to take priority in my life.

My primary doc was kind enough to provide me with a few pills to help keep panic attacks at bay.  I'm just hoping I can control my emotions over the next few days.  My husband is a saint for going through this with me!

So here goes nothing....only 8 minutes until I'm officially on liquids.  Better get a handful of candy in quick.

New Quote

"Embrace the pain of change. If you keep doing what you've been doing, you're gonna keep getting what you've been getting." —Dave Ramsey

Thought this was fitting for my upcoming surgery.  Here's to my new life!

Cheers :)

2 weeks!!!!!!!!!

2 weeks from today is my surgery....Eeeeeeek.  Okay, now that I have gotten that out of the way, I cannot believe that my life is going to be changed forever in a short amount of time.  I find myself nesting in a way.  Preparation makes me feel comforted.  Today I decided to do the past year's worth of filing in our home office.  ::hangs head in shame::  I also just completed my list of pre-op purchases that will help me get through the first few weeks.  Some sample items from my list:  Sugar free liquids, low fat broth soups, yogurt, baby food, etc.

The current debate in my head is whether slippers or flip flops would be better hospital footwear.  I love flip flops but will my feet be too chilly?  Perhaps a combination of the two?

This is some heavy stuff - I know.

In all honesty, the only thing I'm truly terrified of is something going terribly wrong in the OR and I don't come out alive.  But that's an honest fear of anyone having surgery.  I've been contemplating the idea of writing a letter to my DD and even DH - but am not sure if that's just too morbid.  And I don't want to discuss it too much here because it makes me sad. The pain factor is a little scary as well but I'm not too worried about anything else.  I'm just going to take things day by day and do what I need to do in order to get healthy and take my damn life back.

So the countdown continues.  Pre-admission testing on Friday morning, ENT later in the afternoon for my lovely broken nose and then liquid diet starting September 7th...dah dah daaaah. (That's dramatic music in case you didn't catch that.)

Jack and Jill didn't fall down the hill....

..it was me and it was terrifying!  Okay, it wasn't even a hill, it was a bathroom, but let's start from the beginning!  Saturday evening was the Jack and Jill party for my friends, SJ and LS at Yakitori Boy.  It was a great night, lots of offkey karaoke and one too many Tokyo Teas for me.  We were back at the hotel by 11pm and I was out cold by midnight. 

Here's a photo from the evening, I'm wearing SJ's crown:

In the morning, I grudgingly got up and got in the shower.  Looked pretty much like this:

I turned the shower on, stepped in and closed the shower curtain.  All of a sudden, I slipped and tried to grab the shower curtain.  Obviously, that's not going to stop a 300lb woman and my face, specifically my nose area, slammed into the toilet.  I hit it so hard that the toilet seat actually came off the hinges!  In shock, I reached for my face and put my hand over my nose and mouth, unsure of what I had actually injured.  When I pulled my hand away, there was so much blood that I was confused.  I yelled for help and my hero and one of my best friends, NR, poked her head in - and then took control.  She got me ice, covered my naked 300lb mess with towels to save me some embarrassment.  I was sobbing in pain and the blood just kept coming.   I swear it was just waterfalls of blood choking me.  The hotel staff was on their way up so I had help getting back into my pajamas.  I sat there shaking while NR filled out an incident report for me.

The hotel called EMS for me and they took me to a hospital a few blocks away.  NR waited patiently by my side until I was finally released.  And now I have to get a CT scan tomorrow morning and see an ENT to determine the extent of the injury.  I have to say this was one of the scariest moments in my life.  I really was so confused and it hurts so badly - even now.  I will be shaky getting into showers for a long time.

So hopefully I didn't ruin their weekend too badly.  I know that I am pretty much the laughing stock at work due to my insane magnetism to accidents.  Let's just hope and pray that my surgery does not contain any accidents and it goes more smoothly than the past few months have for me.

Pre-Op Visit

I was really excited for my pre-op visit and class and Shawn took the day off to go with me.  My pre-op visit was a laughable 30 minutes of all that could possibly go wrong during surgery and me signing papers saying I was going to do it anyway.  Then we came back in the afternoon for the pre-op class which was essentially going over the handbook that we were given at our initial visit.  Since I've read the thing cover to cover on numerous occasions it was old news for me.  I was hoping for some new information or something - I scored a 100% on the test though.  So that was a plus.

And that was it.  I don't know if I wasn't expecting fanfare or something but it was oddly anti-climactic.

On another note, my friend who had surgery is doing well.  She's lost 19lbs in her first week.  I don't expect to lose that much but I'm very happy for her!

So the countdown is on!  Less than 3 weeks to go......eeeek!

Going Public

So if you are reading this, then you probably are curious about my choice to have RNY.  I am writing this because I want it to come from the source, not from he said/she said.  So feel free to ask questions (if they are out of curiosity and not malicious).  I also want people to know up front that the decision is made and I don't want any backlash from people who don't agree with me.

Here it is....I weigh over 300lbs.  Yep. 3-0-0.  So when you say "The lady next to me on the plane had to weigh at LEAST 300lbs!" - that's me.  Or " God that chick was so fat!  She had to weigh more than 300lbs!" - That's me too.  I'm sure you've all seen my struggles throughout the past 10 years or so.  The wake up call came when Samantha's life and my life were in danger during my pregnancy.  After my pregnancy, I gained so much weight that I now have 150lbs to lose.  It would be really difficult for someone like me to drop 150lbs with diet and exercise alone and maintain that weight loss.  I'm not saying it's impossible but I am saying that it is unlikely.

Statistics say that those diagnosed as morbidly obese (that's me) before the age of 40 will live 22 YEARS less than their average weight counterparts.  22 YEARS!!  That's my retirement, my daughter as an adult, my grandchildren - all gone because I won't survive this weight problem.  And I'll be damned if I'm going to live with that statistic.  So I am making a decision on what is best for myself and my family.  

I have already researched the pros and cons extensively and evaluated the risks associated with surgery.  I have attended informational sessions, many support group meetings and met with all the right people.  I've heard the horror stories but I've also heard the success stories.  I have WLS buddies who are there to support me and I have some family and friends who are behind me 100%.  All I ask is that if you have a negative or condescending opinion is that you keep it to yourself.  It is extremely important that I am ONLY surrounded by loving and supportive people.

This surgery is by no means the magic bullet or the "easy way out".  It will take extremely hard work and major dedication for it to pay off.  I am well aware of what I need to do.  If you are anti-surgery, I encourage you to do some research for yourself.  Also, anyone is welcome to attend a support group meeting with me - they take place once a month at AMH.

If you'd like more information on my WLS, try visiting http://www.obesityhelp.com/ or http://www.amh.org/services/bariatric-metabolic/surgical-weight-loss-procedures/. 

WLS Support Group Meeting Review - June 2011

I went alone to the meeting last night.  My DH was working and I didn't feel like dragging anyone else along.  My usual routine is to go in, sign in, get a parking pass and then take a seat somewhere that I can observe not only the meeting leaders but the attendees.  Then while I wait for them to start, I scan the crowd guessing if they had surgery yet or not.  Some people are so thin - you'd NEVER guess they had surgery.  Others you can tell by the hanging skin or the awkward shape of their lower body compared to the upper body. 

I was sitting there thinking, "These meetings would be so much better if they had folks speak who had surgery", when low and behold - they announced a WLS'er wanted to talk about her journey!  Score.  The woman who spoke was my age (30) and had surgery about 2 1/2 years ago.  She looked beautiful and was very confident in her words.  I was impressed by her conviction and felt more at peace with my own desire to have surgery.

I'm really glad I went to the meeting.  My friend at work had her LAP Band surgery this morning.  She did very well.  I'm going to give her a call tomorrow to see how she is doing!

Flawed genes cause tight jeans.

I always had a nickname for this gene I picked up.  The B#######n Rounds.  Because we get rounder and rounder as we grow older. 

My grandfather was an amazing, loving and gentle soul but he was a big guy.  We always lovingly teased him about the food that got stuck in the sides of his mouth or his affair with ice cream.  He always laughed heartily with shining eyes - he didn't care.  He was confident in who he was.  He didn't acknowledge that he might have diabetes, to him it was a snake bite that caused his legs to be swollen and purple. 

My mom also picked up this round gene.  She is also an amazing, loving and gentle soul.  (I can only hope I pick that up too.)  But my mom is more aware of her health as she has had to deal with a few real health issues including high blood pressure and a double knee replacement surgery at the young age of 50.  No snake did that!  She sees me following her path and my grandfather's path and she is worried for me.

I'm worried for me too.  Yes, it's partially genes but I have to learn to control what I put in my mouth so that I do not tempt those evil round genes any further.  I am utilizing this surgery as a tool to create a new lifestyle for myself.  My grandfather would not want me to suffer this way and I know my mom is suffering as she watches me die from obesity.  Because I am dying.  In fact, I'm killing myself - slowly but it will come if I don't stop.

And then there's DD.  1/2 my genes are in there somewhere.  She's got my chin....she's got my hair - does she have the round genes too?  Maybe, but she'll never find out if I have anything to do with it.  Hopefully, she won't even remember having a fat mommy.  I'm killing these genes in this generation darn it!

Patience is a virtue.....or so I'm told.

I called Dr. B's office yesterday to get an idea of what kind of timeframe I'm looking at.  They said they will submit to insurance after the endoscopy, which I knew, and then it could take up to two weeks to get approved, which I also knew.  I guess I was hoping to hear something magical, like surprise we already got you approved...lol.  She also said Dr. B's surgeries are currently scheduling for 2 months out. ACK!  So, hypothetically if all is submitted the Monday following my endoscopy which would be May 23rd, and insurance approves in two weeks, which would be June 6th, then my surgery would be in early August.  And that's if everything is done in a timely manner...sigh.

I know I shouldn't be rushing anything, especially something like major surgery, but I was really hoping to lose some weight this summer.  I think my goal will be to lose weight anyway prior to surgery.  It will just make surgery go more smoothly and my weight loss better afterwards.  I have no clue where to start, especially because I have precious little free time as it is.  And no desire to purchase exercise clothing that fits me at this size.  Maybe I'll have S hook up the Wii in the new family room.  And I might as well start following my post-surgery diet plan right?? LOL.  Wishful thinking but it's worth a try.

Cleared by Pulmonary

My appointment went well this morning.  My sleep study results came back normal.  I had a few apnea/hypopnia episodes but not more than a normal person.  I snored light/medium for the majority of time I was sleeping.  The doctor and Nurse Practitioner were SO nice there!  He kind of reminded me of Mr. Rogers with all white hair and a bow tie. 

So they will be shipping off a letter to Dr. B, clearing me for surgery! Yay!  One step closer.  Next step is my endoscopy on May 20th.  I'm pretty nervous about that one. 

I told a few folks at work and they all seem to think this will be a great thing for me.  The NP this morning told me she just saw a patient yesterday who had it and had lost 129lbs in 11 months.  That made me feel good to hear.

Sleep Study = AWKWARD!

Sleep study was Monday night.  I didn't quite know what to expect although everyone told me how nice the facility was at AMH's Warminster Campus.  I heard the rooms were like "hotel rooms" with flat screen tvs and tempurpedic bed and that secured my place of choice.  When I arrived, the hospital was empty....lights on, lobby tv on, but no people anywhere.  I ventured up the 3rd Floor and followed the signs in the empty hallway to my destination:  The Sleep Center.

I open the door and walk in peering down an empty blue hallway.  I searched for someone...anyone and when I reached the office, a young guy in scrubs popped out and pointed to the door just across the hall marked Sleep Room 3.  I asked if it was my room and he eagerly said yes and led me in.  The room was FREEZING.  He had turned the air on for me because it had been very warm in that room he said.  I asked if he could turn it off.  He pointed at some paperwork and told me to fill it out, get my pajamas on and open the door when I'm done.

Let's talk about the "hotel room" really quick.  Because it wasn't anything like the hotel room I pictured in my head.  The walls were painted this horrible blue color. The flat screen tv was like  19", hospital style flat screen tv.  The bed was tempurpedic but it was still a hospital bed - no question.  Defintely wouldn't recommend that place on hotels.com.  But I digress...

I filled out the 10 pages or so of papers, got my jammies on and waited for him to come back.  I hadn't noticed anyone else so I asked if there were other patients doing studies and he said only 1 other person was scheduled and they hadn't shown up.  GREAT.  So it's just him and I alone on this entire floor?  I just got a little more uncomfortable.

Wires, wires and more wires were hooked up to my face, head, chest, and legs and straps wrapped around my chest and waist.  It isn't pretty, but I promised to be real in this blog so here is a picture of me with all that crap hooked up:

I watched TV briefly but felt like I might be able to fall asleep so I tried to get cozy.  But the longer I laid there, the more urgently I had to pee....of course.  Now, he told me to just call him if I had to go - and by call, he meant call out because there was a mic in my room so he could hear me.  Ahhh....yeah weird.  So I fidgeted wondering if or how I should alert him to my bladder issue when in the darkness I hear..."Everything okay??"  O.M.G.  CREEPY!!! He really was watching me on the big camera over my bed and must have noticed my fidgeting.  "Ummm...I have to go the bathroom."  I didn't realize they watched it the whole time.

So after my bathroom visit, it felt like HOURS....YEARS before I fell asleep.  Before I knew it he was waking me up at 5:10am.  Try having tape ripped off your face when you're half asleep - not fun.

He told me that I DO snore alot (no kidding) and implied I may have slight sleep apnea but it might not be enough to warrant a machine.  We shall see.  I'm still waiting for the pulmonary folks to call and schedule an appt.

So that was my adventure!  Let's hope that's the only one I have to do!

Nerves!!!

I have had moments of sheer terror thinking about RNY and the fact that my body will be FOREVER changed.  I started to feel sorry for myself thinking about not being able to enjoy my daughter's wedding cake when she gets married in 20-some years (lol...I know but I do think about stuff like this).  So I panicked and wrote Dr. B a letter asking to change my surgery to VSG anyway. 

He wrote back that night (another reason why I love IMBS) and told me that it's natural to be scared and that he would gladly do a VSG but that my insurance only approves VSG in combination with an RNY or DS anyway - which I did not realize.  I had my tears about it and even considered going to Mexico and paying out of pocket (DH nixed that idea REAL quick).

So I have made my peace with RNY and accepted that in order to make a really important change in my life, my body will have to change too.  But it won't just be changing inside....the change will be visible on the outside.  The change will also happen in my lifestyle...change will be everywhere.  And I need a change.  So it is scary and I'll probably have a few more moments of panic between now and surgery day (whenever that may be).  But I have to keep reminding myself that I'm doing this to save my life and so I can enjoy life right now.

Nothing in Particular

Just checking in to say nothing is happening. LOL.  My therapist told me I was doing a great job in therapy - which made me laugh because I didn't know someone could do a bad job.  But nonetheless I was glad to hear it.

I scheduled my blood work and dreaded stool sample (sorry but I'm all about being real) on Monday at lunch time.  Which leaves me with the arterial blood gas and ekg to schedule.  Still not sure about when to do those. 

April 19th seems to be so far away.  There's another support group meeting coming up too.

Skinny Daydreams

I often daydream about what it would be like to be thin.  Sometimes I picture myself walking into Victoria's Secret or Forever 21 and actually picking out clothes or underwear!  How cool would that be?  Most people take for granted the luxury of shopping for regular-sized clothes.  Shopping for me is a totally different experience.  I get to shop at Lane Bryant or Avenue.  Sometimes Macys or Sears have plus-sized clothes that are decent but they mainly cater to the older crowd and don't have very stylish items.

Whenever I go to Lane Bryant at the mall, I feel like people are staring at me as I walk in - like "There goes the fatty looking for clothes".  Of course, I'm sure that's mostly in my head but it's still is embarrassing.  Even worse is trying on something that looks cute on the plus-sized mannequin or in the flyer but looks nothing like that on you.  Although it might if I used clothes pins to hold in on me like they use on the mannequins.  I've noticed that plus-sized models don't have a fat belly, they all have flat stomachs...which I find odd since most big women have bellies.  So yes, those jeans look cute on the model but on me they look like mom jeans if I don't cover up my pooch.

In my thin daydream, I can get up and walk around without any pain, I go to nightclubs and dance the night away in a slinky black dress, I put on sexy lingerie for my husband and it doesn't look like a muumuu.  Ahhh....it would be wonderful.

But for now, I'm trapped in this shell of a person who isn't really me.  She's an imposter who's taken over the fun-loving, energetic Danielle who likes to dance, smile and sing.  My one hope is that the surgery will bring her back.  And maybe....just maybe I'll buy underwear from Victoria and find her secret.

Inspired by Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop

Feeling the joy

Went to the WLS support group meeting at the hospital tonight.  My mom came along for moral support.  Sat in with a bunch of VSG'ers and you could just feel how happy they were.  It made me want to feel that way.  They talked about waking up without knee pain and having more energy.  I'm just itching to have that too.  My mom is still skeptical.  I know she's trying hard to not be negative but she just doesn't think I'll be able to change my eating habits after the surgery. 

Changing habits must be possible though or the surgery wouldn't work and the folks talking to us tonight would still be huge.  They ate like I do.  But they weren't.  So it's possible that I can change.  It's hard to stay focused when people around you are trying to pull you off course or divert you.  It's very hard.

Support Group tomorrow

Going to my first WLS support group meeting at the hospital tomorrow.  My mom is coming with me because she's interested in the surgery too but I think also just to get an idea of what I'm going to be going through.

I went and got my chest x-ray done. Check!  Feels good to get something off of my to-do list!  Abdominal ultrasound on Wednesday.  I'm thinking I'll do something on Saturday too.

I'm still facing a lot of negativity with regards to surgery.  It's very hard for me to deal with that stuff right now.  I am just going to keep it to myself as long as I can.  I know people are only concerned with my health and with all the potential complications but I really feel like this is the best choice for me.

Second thoughts?

I'm having trouble deciding if I'm having second thoughts because I'm scared or because they are legitimate things I should be concerned about.  My biggest concern is my eating habits.  If I have weight loss surgery, I have to maintain the diet and exercise program for life or I can still gain weight back.  I have never been able to stick to a diet.  Can I eat only healthy, nutritious options and get rid of carbs that I love?  And why do I love food so much - I'm in therapy for that one.

I can eat an entire small pizza in a sitting and I will only be able to eat 1 cup worth of food per sitting after the surgery.  That is like a mind game - my stomach will say I'm full but my head will be like - you only ate a tiny piece of chicken, you can't be full!

I don't know who to talk to about this.  Maybe I should just call the nurse at the hospital and see what they say.  Maybe I should give regular dieting and exercise another shot before I give up? Sigh.  It sucks being confused like this.

Dealing with everyone else's opinions

Weight loss surgery or WLS as the community calls it, seems like a very sticky subject with people.  Most people I come across are anti-surgery for weight loss.  They see it as a "easy out" solution to a  weight problem. Granted, the majority (not all) of those negative nellies are thin and have never dealt with an ongoing weight problem.  And they have not done enough research to know that the surgery and post-op life changes are by no means easy.

Here's the problem for me.  I need a support system for this surgery to work.  Regardless of my friends and family members' opinons on the subject, I'm counting on them to keep their mouths zipped and help me get through this.  My in-laws have already voiced their concerns over the topic and although I know they mean well, neither of them has ever had a weight problem.  I was afraid to tell my mother about my decision to investigate WLS but she has been good so far.  I know she is not thrilled because she is my mother and I KNOW when she is excited about something.  But she knows the struggle because she is going through it and I think she just really wants me to be healthy, no matter how I get there.

A few of my friends have asked a lot of questions and told me they generally don't agree with the surgery but if it's what I need to do....BUT I need a cheering section.  Right now, that cheering section consists of my husband.  He came to the information session with me as a skeptic but left confident that I could do this and it was a good choice.  And I am so grateful for his support.

So now I need to work on telling other people what I need from them.  Because how will they know if I don't tell them?

Intake Appointment Summary

I was greeted with plenty of smiles at the Institute for Metabolic and Bariatric Surgery when I arrived Monday morning which helped me relax.  The intake nurse was a really sweet woman about my age with a new baby at home as well.  We chatted about my medical history.  She recorded my weight, 300.4lbs, (GASP - not really I knew that) and my height and then we talked about what surgery I was considering, which is VSG (Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy). 

I am bummed because she said my insurance does cover the surgery but only if your BMI is 50 or above.  Her calculation of my BMI is 45 (I think it's 47), but either way - it's so close that rejection would be painful.  We will submit for that surgery anyway and if they deny the claim we can appeal the decision.  I'm hoping that with my medical history, the surgery will be approved.

I made my appointment to visit with the surgeon, the nutritionist and the psychiatrist for next month.  They said I could come in sooner with a different surgeon (I chose Dr. Bonnani) but I figured that 1 month isn't that long to wait and it will give me more time to research and make a decision.

Now for the crazy part.  I have to get a chest xray, an abdominal MRI, EKG, all kinds of blood work as well as another fun sample I won't share with you but you get the idea.  So, a month gives me time to get all that together!  Thank god child birth took away all of my shame and I can now go through anything without shock or embarrassment. lol.