Celebrating a Year...

Today marks 365 days passed since I had my life-changing surgery.  There really are no words to describe what this journey has been like for me.  There have been both tears of frustration and tears of joy.  There have been a LOT of little victories.  But the biggest victory is that I no longer have to be a bystander in my own life, I can be a participant.  Not only have I lost weight but I've transformed my outlook.  I am more positive and optimistic.  I am setting goals for myself and for our family.  I'm living life.

My kids finally have a mom who can physically keep up with them (well most of the time - lol).  I can walk around with a 3 year old hanging on my leg.  I can scoop up my 1 year old and swing her around while kissing her baby belly.  My husband has a wife that doesn't need to rely on him to keep up with the house all alone.  I can carry and move things and I can clean stuff without assistance.  And he can actually pick me up now (which was a secret goal of mine b/c what girl doesn't want to be swept off her feet?!)

I've realized that I have accomplished a major task and if I did this, then I can accomplish other things I set my mind to (well honestly my therapist helped me realize that).  

Anyway, I don't have an official before/after photo for 1 year yet but this should do:

And for good measure - here's some before:

These photos are painful for me to look at because I remember how I felt emotionally and it was ugly.  I really truly hated myself.  And if I were to be 100% truthful, sometimes I felt like I was better off dead.

But nothing speaks louder than these photos of me LIVING:

I LOVE looking at pictures of myself now, not because of the weight loss but because I'm happy in them and I can focus on the memory contained in the photo instead of the ugliness I used to feel inside.  That's a remarkably new thing for me :)

I'm meeting with my surgeon for my 1 year follow up this afternoon but here are my current stats:

Starting Weight: 314 lbs

Current Weight: 167 lbs

Total Lost: 147 lbs!!

Thank you to my husband Shawn for all of his support and encouragement.  Even when I was questioning myself, he never faltered.  He had complete faith in me and still does.  Love you honey bunny!

Thank you to all of my family and friends for your cheer-leading skills and listening to my occasional whine.

I hope to keep up on here but it's slowed down as life has gotten more crazy and busy, but I'm truly loving it.  That's how it's supposed to be :)  

Hallelujah! I'm overweight!!

Most people wouldn't celebrate being overweight!  But today I am because for the first time in over 10 years, I am no longer obese according to the BMI scale!!  This accomplishment may not be a big deal to some but to have come so far in just over 6 short months leaves me scratching my head sometimes.  It's almost as if I blinked and here I am.  Down 124 pounds and several clothing sizes.  There have been a lot of tears, a lot of frustrations and even celebrations on this journey. 

And this is not the end of the journey by any means.  I still have more weight to lose and then I have a lifetime of maintenance ahead of me.  But I just wanted to take this brief moment to reflect on all that I have achieved so far and celebrate this little victory!

I also am reaching out to you right now.  If you are at a point in your life where you are contemplating starting a journey - ANY kind of journey, please ask yourself one thing - "What am I waiting for?".  Stop saying that you will start tomorrow or next week.  There will never be a "right time" or perfect moment.  You have to make it happen for yourself.  The worst thing to have in life are regrets and time is wasting away while you mull it over.  I know it's cliché but life is way too damn short and you should be living it. 

Two years ago my doctor told me that my obesity was going to steal 20 years from my life.  But what it really would have stolen was time with two beautiful girls that are my reason for breathing and I wasn't about to give that up.      Precious moments like college graduations, weddings, grandchildren.  Time I certainly wasn't willing to throw away like trash.  Because my girls are worth all the time in the universe.  And you and I are worth it too.

So there it is!  Start that career, go back to school, lose the weight, marry them, get pregnant - start your moments before you lose time!

::Steps down from soapbox::

Ahem, and now back to your regularly scheduled programming....

Love,
Danielle

6 Months Since My Surgery!

I had my follow up appointment with my surgeon's office yesterday, marking 6 months since I was "reborn".  It was clear from their smiles that they were happy with my results just by looking at me.  My NP said she could just see that I was healthy.  Even better is when she pulled up my labwork.  It was perfect!! Okay, near perfect.  Everything was on target except my good cholesterol which was slightly low and my vitamin D was also low by 2 points.  So I will be taking vitamin D now instead of my gallbladder medication which I can officially stop taking now :)  She said she wasn't concerned about either of those because they were so close to being in range anyway.

NP said she couldn't be more thrilled with my results.  I am currently down  115 lbs and have lost 67% of my excess body weight.  Their original goal for my 6 month appointment was 80 lbs or 50% of my excess weight.  So I have already surpassed their expectations!  I'm pretty sure she said the words "banner child" at least a few times as well - lol.

I asked her what my goal should be for my next visit at 9 months post-op.  She asked what my "ultimate" goal was.  I told her I'd like to reach 150 lbs.  She made a face and told me she wasn't sure that 150 lbs was a good weight for me based on the fact that I already look healthy at 199.  She concluded that for my 9 month appointment, they'd like me to reach 170 lbs and she will re-evaluate me then and determine if that should be my stopping point or if I should reach for more.

I have to admit that this part of the appointment was a bit disappointing.  I was so determined to get to the number 150 that I never really thought about whether that would be an appropriate goal or not.  Well I did choose it based on BMI but we all know how BMI does not factor in muscle tone or bone mass.  And of course, I won't know until my 9 month appointment if I can keep shooting for that goal or not.  Ultimately though, the scale number doesn't matter.  The only thing that truly matters is that I am healthy and in shape so that I can be the me that I've always dreamed of being.  

And if that is the case, I feel like I've already achieved so much.  I love playing with my girls and feeling fit.  I love that my hubby has an even harder time keeping his hands off me.  I love that when I look in the mirror, I don't see a monster staring back at me.  In fact, even with my scars and stretch marks and rocks in socks - I look at myself and say, "Not too shabby!" 

THAT, my friends, is progress.

Update: 4 Months Post Op

It's been a crazy month.  My stress levels have been through the roof for various reasons.  I've stuck to my plan but I hit the dreaded 3 month stall and didn't lose ANYTHING for nearly 4 weeks.  Talk about going stark raving MAD!!!!  It was beyond frustrating when I was doing everything RIGHT and then to add on the outside stressors like family member health, party planning, work, etc.  It made for a miserable me - just ask hubby!  But alas, these stalls are normal and it won't be my last so I just sucked it up and kept on program.  Eventually, the weight began to budge- thank you baby jesus!

I'm at a little stall again - at least hopefully it's little.  I think the Universe knows how BADLY I want to reach 100lbs lost and so it's messing with me!  C'mon Century Club!!!!

CW: 219
Loss: 95 lbs since surgery

Here are my comparison pics from this month.

As you can tell, things are really starting to sag and droop.  lol.  But that will have to wait.  I've still got 70lbs to go.  Here's hoping I hit my 100 lb loss before this month is over :)

3 Months Post-Op and Scale victory!

April 2nd marked the 3 month anniversary of my surgery (or surgiversary as we post-ops call it)!  Originally, my goal was to hit 75lbs by that day.  As if by magic, I blew past that over the weekend and ended up at 79lbs lost as of yesterday!  And today I actually hit 80 :)

My surgeon wanted me to be at this point by my 6 month post-op appointment.  50% of my excess weight lost!  WOW.  I can tell you that it's exciting but in a jittery nervous sort of way.  My brain still cannot comprehend my new size well. But I feel wonderful and happy!

I don't know where I will be in 3 more months, 6 more months or even a year from now but I am so glad I made the choice that I did because my life has changed for the better.  I've heard the term "glowing" repeatedly. LOL.  In fact, if I had to have this surgery every 5 years to maintain - I would.  It's that worth it.

    

And now for my current thoughts:

Weight loss is hard.  Regardless if you have 10 lbs or over 100 lbs to lose.  Everyone does it their own way but it really irks me when people think surgery is the easy way out.  My surgery is just a tool.  Like I've said before, it doesn't control what I put in my mouth or how I exercise.  I may only be able to eat 3 oz of food, but if I want to, I can eat 3 oz of donuts or cheese fries.  But I don't.  Plus, the decision to have elective bariatric surgery is not something you come upon lightly.  It took me months of deliberation and research before I decided to even sign up for an info session with IMBS.  Even up until the day of your surgery, you second guess yourself and panic that you are making the right decision.  Not to mention you are having a major portion of your stomach removed.  Easy?  No.  

The first week after surgery most patients are asking themselves "why the "f" did I do this?!"  But then, you get into routine and you feel better and then boom you are back to normal and you couldn't be happier.  Then the results start to show which then encourages  you to continue following the plan because - this time it is working.  This time you aren't failing.  Then confidence starts creeping in and soon there is no turning back - you are doing this!

So regardless of your particular weightloss journey - please take the time to encourage those who are struggling and congratulate those succeeding because we are all in this together!  Let's change the way that our children and spouses think about food too so that we can fight the disease of obesity!

I'll try and update with new pics tonight.

Update on my journey

I have been REALLY out of touch people! lol.

So January 2nd is the day I went in for my sleeve.  I was VERY nervous about the pee test. For obvious reasons.  Made it through that part and was wheeled into the OR at the same time as about 6 other patients were being wheeled in.  It was like a caravan of patients.  We all turned into our ORs at the exact same time. Surreal experience!

In my OR, my anesthiologist was making me feel super comfortable.  He was a really nice guy.  One of the nurses remembered me from my last attempt at WLS.  They chatted me up and before I knew it, I was out.

When I woke up in recovery, I was very groggy.  They were waiting for a room for me so I was in recovery for several hours longer than expected.  I was feeling fine and awake.  A very nice male nurse kept me entertained as we joked about the other whiny patients.  I swear if I heard one more dramatic moan of pain - I was going to scream! LOL.

I finally got to my room and Shawn arrived.  It was so good to see his smiling face!  I wasn't allowed to drink for the first 12 hours so my mouth was desert dry.  YUK.  Eventually I could drink (a tiny tiny bit) and the catheter came out (ahhhh).  Surprisingly, the pain was pretty mild and I was up and walking pretty soon after.

The first few weeks of liquid and pureed foods were hard but not terrible.  The worst thing is seeing other people eat the things you want but can't have.  Pizza, chocolate chip cookies, etc.  I cried it out a few times but got through it and it's not as hard to deal with now.

I'm on all foods now but maximizing my weight loss by staying around 600 calories per day, between 60-70g of protein and 64+oz of water daily.  I try to keep my carbs below 40.  I am not eating breads or starchy foods like potatoes and pasta as I'm prioritizing my protein and veggies.  Once I've achieved the results I want, I will adjust accordingly.

Some people don't think that weight loss surgery counts as "losing on your own" or it's the "easy way out" but TRUST ME.  This is the hardest thing I've ever done.  I can still eat whatever I want. I could choose to not follow my doctor's plans.  This is still about willpower and drive.  If I don't exercise, I won't see the results I want.  The surgery doesn't make me exercise - that's all me.  That's what I like about the surgery I chose - the sleeve is still about the patient making the right decisions.  And here I am doing it - and I'm so proud of myself. 

I still have a long way to go, but I feel happier, more energetic and more determined than ever to get healthy - and if I didn't lose another pound after today - I'd still be happy with my decision.

So here are my stats as of my 2 months out at 3/2/13:

PreOp Diet Weight: 314
Surgery Date Weight: 304
1 Month PostOp: 278.6
2 Month PostOp: 258

Here are my 1 month and 2 month comparison photos (same shirt):




This pic is good because you can see the difference big time:


I think I'm going to wear a tighter shirt next time and drop this one.

Anyway - I hope to keep you up to date!

Love,
Danielle

Liquid Diet Day 5 of 5

Oops!  I missed a day!  Anyway, this diet has been easier than I thought.  I'm not saying it was always a cakewalk since handling Oreos and Doritos for my 2 year old caused a lot of mental anguish, BUT I did it.   Not to mention I am down 10 lbs already - granted I'm sure it's water weight but who cares!!!!  And tomorrow the real journey begins.

I'm excited but nervous.  After the surprise of a lifetime the last time I tried to do this, I'm hesitant to get too excited.  Well, here goes nothing.....AND everything.


~Danielle~

Liquid Diet Day 3 of 5

It's more than halfway over and yet it still feels like time is standing still.  I am so proud of myself right now.  I cut a piece of pizza for S at lunch which was TERRIBLY HARD to do.  You never realize how much you munch until you can't.

C'mon Sleeve-day!

Liquid Diet Day 2 of 5

Ughhhh - why must food rule my brain?  It's everywhere.  I have to cook it for my family and see it on TV.  My tummy was so sad today thinking about everything I cannot have.  I'm trying to redirect my mind when that happens and only think about each meal as it comes otherwise I will probably lose it!

Sleeping is a good escape so I'm going to bed early tonight!

Liquid Diet - Day 1 of 5 

Okay - today was surprisingly easy.  There were a few moments were my brain screamed for real food, but I survived it.  I think the novelty will wear off soon enough and I'm going to be one very cranky lady for the next four days! But this is just a precursor for what's to come and I am damned well going to be ready!

Surgery is scheduled for Wednesday.  I want to be excited but I am keeping myself from being to hopeful because of what happened LAST TIME. I am trying to keep myself busy with planning.  I'm great at planning! lol.  Follow-through is a whole other story however.

Some items on my agenda:

1. Pack items for hospital.
2. Prep pantry cabinet just for me.
3. Re-read my surgery workbook.
4. Straighten up the house.
5. Game plan for post-op.

Re-visiting Surgery

After a very painful session with my therapist in which I spoke about my feelings about my appearance, she suggested it was time to address my weight again.  Now that the littlest one is 4 months old (ack!).  So I called up the IMBS and asked what I would have to do in order to get back on the schedule for surgery.  Turns out, all I needed was lab work, a meeting with my surgeon, Dr. B, and a consultation with the nutritionist.

In just two weeks, I went from no hope to being extremely hopeful.  I've completed all of those things already and my surgery is scheduled for December.  I can't believe it is happening so fast.  And even better, I am able to have the VSG which is now covered by my insurance!  What a difference a year can make!

I am really looking forward to this new journey and all that I will be able to achieve.  I don't care about being skinny.  I just want to keep up with my girls and enjoy them.  I can't even tell you how embarrassing and frustrating it is not to be able to climb on a ride with your 2 year old on vacation.  Next year - I'm going to be able to do it.  There is no other option.  I won't miss any more experiences with my girls because of my weight. 

I'm practically giddy!

Impatiently Waiting.

I'm a control freak.  I admit it.  The fact that I cannot control when I will go into labor is the most frustrating, anxiety-causing issue in my life right now.  I'm 38w 4d at this point.  I've been 3cm and 70% for over 3 weeks now.  I guess the fact that the doc told me I would be ready to go any day - I took that quite literally.  And yet here I still sit - pregnant.  Very very pregnant.  Now I understand the plight of the full-term pregnant woman who gulps down castor oil in hopes of evicting their little guest.  Which I'm strongly considering right now!

At my 37 week u/s, they estimated the baby to be 9lbs already which sent everyone into a panic.  The OB office starts talking about a c-section already and I went from not being worried at all to having full blown panic attacks overnight.  Yesterday, at my 38 week appt., I told the doc that I would like to try for a vaginal delivery first, regardless of the estimated size because I don't want to rely on an estimate for major surgery.  If I cannot push this little one out, then fine, we can do a c.  She told me she was "not enthusiastic" about my decision but that it was, of course, my decision at this point.

People have 9lb and 10lb babies all the time!  What is the big deal if I want to try and push her out first?  Because they'd rather have the OR prepped and scheduled for me instead of rushing me in?  I'm sorry but that's not a good enough reason.  I'm guessing my Gestational Diabetes and the medication I'm on had something to do with her size, but my sister was 9.4lbs when she was born so it could just be that we make big babies!  DD didn't have time to cook all the way or she might have been just as big.  We'll never know that one!

Anyway, I'm still pregnant.  No signs of labor as of yet.  Doc said they probably won't let me go to due date which is only 10 days away.  I have an appt Wednesday for another size u/s and then they'll make their decision on induction.  So send all your labor and delivery fairy dust my way please :)

TICK TOCK!!!

Wow....time is just slipping by!

Is it mid-February already??  I can't believe how fast this is going.  I feel like just yesterday I got the news that rocked my whole world.  We did find out we are having another little girl :)  Suspicion confirmed!

I've been doing great with my blood pressures and maintaining my weight....HOWEVER...I was just diagnosed with gestational diabetes last week.  I know that GD is pretty common these days but I was truly disappointed to hear the news.  I felt like I had been doing so well aside from catching the plague (so I call it) in early January.  The nurse and dietician came to my house on Saturday to go over everything (star studded treatment - lol).  And yes - I the wimpiest person ever -I have to prick my finger 4 stinking times a day!!  If my finger bleeds too much I start to get oogly.  I made the nurse stop after she referenced "milking my finger".  :SHUDDER::

My parents find this hilarious because I get weak just thinking about bleeding and they always bring up this episode of Frasier that had them in hysterics when Niles cut his finger and kept passing out because it reminded them of me.  If you have a few minutes - watch this - it still makes me laugh and cry!

Otherwise, DD's room is nowhere near completion and I'm starting to get a little panicky.  I mean, it's almost her birthday which means my due date is less than 3 months away!!!!!  GULP.

Let's hope this sweet LO will keep cooking until I'm full term!  No early surprises this time!  Oh and here is pic of our 2nd daughter-to-be!

Farewell 2011!

As I prepare to bid 2011 farewell, I have been reflecting on what an amazing year it has been.  Of course there were ups and downs but I really think that I have grown as a person this year.

The number one lesson I learned from 2011 is that "life is what happens when you are busy making other plans" or that "everything happens for a reason".  If you would have told me this time last year that I would now be expecting our 2nd baby girl, I would have laughed in your face!  Our plan was to wait 3 years, so that I could spend time working on my health.  I spent the first 8 months of 2011 planning to have gastric bypass surgery and as it happens, in a matter of seconds that plan was obsolete.  I did spend some time grieving my surgery, I will not lie because I had worked so very hard to get there and it felt like months of work and planning had been wasted.  But what really got me through is that this little baby really wants to be in our lives and even an IUD would not stop her!  So if life has other plans for me - so be it!

Another lesson I have learned in 2011 is that I was meant to be a mother.  There is nothing I love more than seeing my daughter smile or hearing that charming giggle.  It takes all of my power not to crack a smile or laugh when I see her being naughty.  Is the job exhausting?  Absolutely.  But it's worth every back-breaking, sleepy-eyed minute!  I'm nervous about having two kids to chase around but this new little girl is welcome in our hearts by all means! 

In a related lesson, I have learned in 2011 that I'm much stronger than I have ever given myself credit for.  I think that many people in my situations would have fallen apart but I have forged through.  And I have kept my doctors happy with my blood pressure and my weight.  I wasn't sure if I could do it - but I am.  This gives me courage to move forward and to even hope for an uncomplicated labor and delivery. (KNOCK ON WOOD).

Every year brings with it new adventures and new heartaches - there were definitely a few this year.  But the beauty of ringing in the new year is to leave your painful past behind and welcome the future!  I am a very lucky woman to have such wonderful people to share my life with and I wouldn't change a minute of 2011.  So thank you most of all to Shawn and Samantha for being my partners in crime and to the rest of my amazing family and friends who have made this year so bright!

Distractions!

Since last time I wrote a little about re-using DD's nursery - I thought I'd share some photos of it:

I apologize for the slight disarray - but this is pretty clean to how my toddler keeps it now!  We worked so hard on it and I just love it!  Anyway, I figure if it's a boy we can just change out any pink things and if it's another girl - it's perfect just the way it is.

For our girly toddler room I am creating for DD, I imagine something like this:

However, I have a feeling it won't be quite that elaborate! Lol.  That giant rooster thing is kind of cool but clashes with our theme, which will be FAIRIES.  squeeee!  I'm so excited to get started on it after the holidays....hear that honey??  Better get cracking on moving that office crap out!

Oh and we'll be having our anatomy scan on Tuesday!  Hopefully this little McGyver cooperates!

Tick-Tock-Tick-Tock

Our anatomy scan is scheduled for December 20th. It seems so far away. I'm trying to be patient because otherwise I'll lose my marbles. Hence my obsessions with holiday shopping and planning DD's bedroom (currently the office).  We decided to reuse our beautiful nursery that we worked so hard to put together for the new LO.  I'm excited to finally do something girly for DD!  DH rolled his eyes when I showed him all the beautiful hues of pink and purple we could choose from.  hee hee. 

All in all I just truly love this time of year and picking out gifts for those special people in your life. It really fills me with joy!  I'm am one of those people listending to holiday music and singing/smiling in my car.  And the holiday lights just make my heart so full.

I'm also helping to plan a bridal shower for my sister-in-law (but no deets in case she reads this); a 2nd birthday party for DD; a 30th bday extravaganza for one of my BFFs and a baby shower for another BFF.  Gaaaah!  I'm not busy or anything.  I love planning stuff like this though - I'm in heaven...really!

I'm going to start thinking about this new year and make some resolutions.  I'll share them with you when I can!

Thanksgiving Eve Ultrasound

I'm 16w2d today and had another ultrasound this afternoon.  I was really excited for it because I was secretly hoping they could determine the sex of the baby by now.  Much to my dismay, our u/s tech was extremely cold and unfriendly.  She did not crack a smile at any of my jokes!  That B*TCH.  Anyway, she informed us it was way too early to know if it's pink or blue. :(  Also, she printed out the lamest of all the images she captured.  We got two pictures labeled "FACE" and it was just a black head shape with no features or anything.  I was sooooo disappointed.  While she was working, I saw the full baby, he/she sucking their thumb, etc. on her screen and we got the "FACE"?!  I threw the pictures away I was so mad.  Although I'm regretting that decision now because I'm pretty sure my ss# is on that thing.  Oh well.

Then she told me I had to wait 4 weeks to come back even though the tech last month told me that I could come back in 6 weeks (which would mean 2 weeks from today's). Grrrrr.  I guess the cold-hearted tech should have stayed home today if she wasn't interested in doing my ultrasound the day before Turkey day. 

Okay.  I totally feel better now that I shared my disappointing experience with you.  I am a firm believer that medical providers should have a certain bedside manner dealing with the public.  Fake the smile damnit - I don't care if you hate your job!  I want you to be just as excited about my baby as I am!

Sorry it's been so long!

Everything is going swimmingly so far.  BPs have been excellent and weight is stable.  Doc told me last week I can start coming every 4 weeks instead of 2 which is good and bad.  Good because I don't have to arrange as much make-up time at work but bad because it was keeping my weight in check.  If I gain anything in these 4 weeks I'm going to ask them to put me back on every 2.  It's REALLY important that I don't gain any weight.

I'm trying to balance the exhaustion with my to-do list.  It's been pretty complicated and I'm facing the reality that naptimes on the weekends may no longer be possible or at least not 2-3hr ones.  Which is really sad but there is just so much to do!

P.S. Happy Halloween!

My letter to Santa (per my horoscope)

Dear Santa,

First, I want to say that my life is pretty sweet the way it is. My husband is hard-working and dedicated to us. My daughter is beautiful and amazing and this new LO will be someone to reckon with I'm sure!  Our family and friends are so wonderful and true. I really couldn't ask for much with regards to things because that doesn't really matter to me.  But if I had to give you a list of things to add to my already awesome life, I would want:

1.  Clean, organized and redecorated home.  Okay - it's not that fun or exciting but defnitely something that requires lots of time, which is something I don't have much of as a working mother.  I'm talking Martha Stewart/Candace Olsen all the way!

2.  Crafting Space and Time.  I love crafting.  It's fun and relaxing for me. 

3.  Time to Read.  I used to read a book every day.  Then it was once a week.  Now, I'm lucky if I make it through an entire book at all.  

4.  Volunteer.  Contributing to others made me feel so good.  I love making other people smile.

5.  Sing.   I would sing with a local choir.

6.  Dance.  Okay so if I sing - why not dance?

7.  Travel.  My family has places to go and people to see! 

8.  A job I love.   Yes, I have a great job but I want to be valued for my knowledge and passion for something! 

So that's it.  Not too much to ask right?  Mostly it involves more time.  Since you are an expert on time - I'm sure this will not be a problem at all for you.

Thanks for bring so much joy to the world!

Love,
Danielle

P.S.  I'll leave an extra chocolate chip cookie for you by the tree this year.

Today's Horoscope

"In a month or so, Santa Claus will visit a mall near you. No matter your age or your religion, you will be free to sit on Santa's lap and tell him all about your dreams and what you want for your life. Even though you probably won't choose to do this literally, you are advised to do so in your imagination. Think about what it would be like to have a magical being hold you like a beloved child, and promise you everything you want in life.  Magic can happen for you over the next few months, Capricorn, but you have to believe in it."

Saaaaanta!  I don't even know what to ask for!  This is so sudden.  Stay tuned for my letter to Santa!